PurrVersatility

Rape on Film

2012-02-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

There is a brilliant article up right now about finding the line when you see a film, that line of something you just will not watch, or, in some cases, will not watch any more of.

Drew McWeeny was meaning to review "The Divide", but ended up writing a piece about the constant depiction of rape on the big screen, and our response to that, instead. It's a good read, and certainly related in my mind to all the Consent Culture work we've been discussing, particularly when you take into account depictions of BDSM in film, which often have consent violations, either for humorous, scary, or, sometimes (like in "9 1/2 Weeks" or "Secretary") romantic purposes.

It seems to me that somewhere along the way, it was decided that the easiest way to make an audience uncomfortable was to have someone rape a character onscreen. I must see 30 films a year where somebody needs to have "something bad" happen, and the go-to impulse in almost every case is rape. It is guaranteed to cause a visceral reaction, even when the scenes are badly staged and lazy, which most of them are.

What scares me most about it is that the vast majority of the scenes are directed so poorly that they become, in essence, titillation, and there is something immeasurably sick about including a scene in your film that involves rape just so you can sneak a little nudity into the movie.

And:

I think it is absolutely the responsibility of an artist to look into darkness without blinking. I think it is important that we talk about morality and character and the way we dehumanize one another. But I also think the point has been more than made on film that rape is a terrible thing, and at this point, if you're not contributing some new idea to the conversation, then you are literally just using it as a button, something you push to get a response, and that unnerves me.

If I had to pinpoint what bothers me most about the subject, though, it's that our ratings system in this country is so broken that a film that contains a sustained, brutal rape sequence featuring full-frontal female nudity can breeze right through with an R-rating, but if you include a sequence in which two people engage in spirited, consensual sex and we see anything that resembles reality, you are automatically flirting with an NC-17 or going out unrated. We have created a code of film language in which the single most destructive act of sexual violence is perfect acceptable to depict in the most graphic, clinical detail, but actual love-making has been all but banished from mainstream film. There's no "almost" about it; it is disturbing on a philosophical level to realize how backwards the system is right now, and I think one of the reasons many filmmakers will include a rape scene is so they can get some nudity into their movie, and the context doesn't matter to them.

Worth a read and a think about!

"Lynching Rapists", or, How Not to Be An Ally

2012-02-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

So after a discussion on Twitter between Consent Culture activist Maggie and a guy who goes by @crash_restraint, wherein he ended up harassing Maggie about consent culture and what we were doing- i think originally he was wanting to help but instead was just tweeting at her til she got overwhelmed and asked him politely to slow down. He then whinged about how "oh, white straight cismales don't get a voice in this discussion, even if they're allies, I SEE", because she asked him to give her some time, and because she didn't respond to his email fast enough.

I pointed out that in a discussion about consent and boundaries, maybe he should, I dunno, respect politely stated limits? I also suggested he email me with his suggestions in full, because hey, I like hearing people's ideas about this stuff- he emailed me, and the text of the email is below. He said I should publish it in full, because the context was important, "if you think anyone cares".

See what you think:

Below is the E-mail I sent Maggie last night, and as a starting point, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts in response to it. Since writing this, I've had some other ideas of my own, but I'd love to hear your response to my initial problem statement first, both because I think it would help me frame my proposal in context, and because, frankly-- I already went through the effort to write this much, and want to be assured I'm not completely wasting my time talking to you.

To avoid wasting *your* time, though, to be clear, I have no interest in publishing anything via your blog. You already seem to be in support of the idea that I shouldn't be allowed to speak freely on /my own twitter feed/, why would I want to express myself in a forum that /you/ moderate?

Also, I no longer have any interest in working with you and/or Maggie to implement anything, but I would still love to get your opinions on my thoughts, in case I eventually find other partners with whom I could put them into practice. If and once you reply to this E-mail in a way that shows an openness to reasoned good-faith dialogue.

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Lynching rapists

The idea that our community would tolerate, let alone promote and celebrate, people known to be rapists, is completely repugnant to me.

But I would like to think it's more an issue that those people manage to slip through the gap of reasonable doubt. And I'm not sure how to solve that.

Obviously, we can silently boycott those who we have some sort of first-hand knowledge of wrongdoing about -- but that's a pretty weak salve.

I've seen cases where a local kink scene has driven someone out based on accusations ranging (in my judgment, worth who knows what) from almost certainly true to pretty clearly farcical. And in every case, even ignoring questions of the accuracy of the verdict, the situation was handled HORRIFICALLY badly on all sides.

Without some sort of clear guidelines for how to respond to such situations, all we get is random drama. As I tweeted, while that may be better than silence, it's also easy to see why people are eager to avoid it -- it can completely tear a community apart, in the worst cases (and not always because anything was deeply rotten).

Obviously, throwing our hands up and saying "well, it's a legal problem" does not constitute working towards a solution, either. But I've not seen any evidence of the community's ability to dispense extralegal justice in any way that could be called seemly or effective.
So..what do we do?

My impression of the email specifically to me went something like... so... as an ally, you want to refuse to work with us, steal our content AND then not credit us? AWESOME. I like how one of my friends put it- "I wanna fight against rape culture and I won't take no for an answer!"

Also, a subject line like "lynching rapists" either indicates to me that he thinks it's a good idea, or that he's worried about being seen as doing that. Both are problematic, in my opinion- I'm not interested in mobs, personally, I want to see harm reduction practices in place.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't see any suggestions on that front. Do you?

I would recommend that anyone interested in being a constructive ally, not just to Consent Culture, but to marginalized people in all areas, is to read this awesome essay "How to Be An Ally If You Are a Person With Privilege".

And try talking less, listening more.

Piss: a Short Movie to Illustrate the Complexity of Consent

2012-02-01T02:47:00.000-08:00

This was put up on my wall, described thus- "in view of recent chat about safe words and consent, thought you may find this interesting Kitty? (not work safe) Award winning 7 min film tackles consent, safe words, feminist ideas and more...x"

I think Maggie and I may need to use this video when we present Safe/Ward in the future- will need to get in touch with the director about it. I feel like this illustrates how complicated safewords, partnerships, feminism, guilt, and gender issues can be- and even more so when you add altsex into the equation.

I particularly like the part where he clearly has a limit- he feels bad, he doesn't want to piss on her- and she's not hearing that limit either. And when he asked "how can I tell when it's "nooo Andrew, stooop" vs "NO ANDREW, STOP" and she says "well, when I say no, and it's about pee, don't stop, not ever". but like, how would be know for sure when it's about pee and when it isn't? And what if he's wrong?

Consent- it's fucking complicated! It's far more complex (or can be) than victim/violator, either you used a safeword or you didn't, yes and no.

Review: LELO Tiani

2012-02-01T00:36:00.000-08:00

For our 2nd anniversary, the boy booked a beautiful bed and breakfast right in the heart of the Mission, one with a rooftop terrace, an outdoor redwood hot tub and a jacuzzi in our room. Even better, we got to share it with my girlfriend as well- I felt pretty lucky to spend the night with my two sweeties!

One of the things I wanted to bring to try out was the LELO Tiani I got from Babeland a little while ago- it's got the sensemotion technology I've gotten to explore with the Lyla and enjoyed, though it was a little fidgity. I thought I'd give a different design a go, particularly when I had two lovers to please!

See, one of the things I liked about the sensemotion concept is that there's two parts, the toy itself, which charges via the wall, and the controller, which runs on two AAA batteries. Both of them vibrate cordlessly, allowing you to have a vibrator on two parts of the body... or, as I thought, between two different people.

So I used the main toy (which is shaped like a U) on Penny, with the intention of it vibrating on her super-sensitive clit while using the controller on the underside of the boy's penis. Watching both of them sigh in pleasure next to each other at the same time- pretty good, right?

Except.

Except there was kind of a problem, unfortunately. And that problem is that the signal isn't that great between the two pieces! It kept starting and stopping even though my sweeties' pink bits were pretty close to each other. Bah! I was pretty disappointed, especially considering it's supposed to have 12 ft of signal.

So, instead, we found it worked best when one person used both pieces to pleasure themselves. The toy was made to slip the larger, bullet-looking end into the vaginal canal (I wouldn't insert it anally- it probably wouldn't slip in, but...) and let the thinner, flatter side rest against the clit. I found it worked quite well lightly clamped around the boy's cock, right under the head. Then he could use the controller vibe on his shaft and balls, or on his sensitive nipples.

So, the toy has its uses, but it wasn't quite as versatile as I hoped it'd be. I'm going to spend some more time experimenting with it. I do like that part of it is rechargeable, and I love the concept, so I'm hoping to find more ways to make it work for me with my sweeties!

This toy has silicone and ABS plastic, so avoid using a silicone lubricant with it or you might damage the toy. It's easy to clean with toy cleaner and wipes, or just soap and water. Make sure to get the various nooks and crannies!

All in all, I still love this toy, though it isn't quite as amazing as I hoped it would be. I think the technology has a lot of potential and I hope I can find new ways to indulge in it! Thanks Babeland for sending the LELO Tiani my way.

And don't forget when you're buying your sexy toys for Valentine's Day- purchase through the links here on my blog, or by clicking my banners, and you give me a little present of some cash my way too! All that goes to promoting consent culture. <3

Raw: Project Unbreakable and Midori on a Failed Suspension

2012-01-31T13:52:00.000-08:00

Project Unbreakable is an amazing project on Tumblr I've just learned about where victims of sexual abuse can post a photo of themselves holding a quote from their attacker. It is INTENSE, so please, be ready for some incredibly triggering experiences, whether or not you've been abused yourself. At the same time, I feel like it's important to look, to really sit with the fact that these things happen, in real life, to real people, all the fucking time, often with someone they know and trust.

Consent Culture is not limited to the kinky community, though we have a lot in place that ought to help us make it easier to achieve. I think we need to spend more time exploring sexual assault in the world at large, to check our privilege and to think critically about our positions on the topic. I think we need to remember that while I don't think consent issues happen more in kink than anywhere else, I think that we have a good foundation to make it happen a lot less often- if we reflect and stop mimicking the behaviour of the sex negative community while saying we're sex positive.

Meanwhile, I have an EPIC amount of respect for Midori, who has written about an experience where she was doing suspension bondage and dropped her model-

The risk is that while a good scene can send you flying so high you think you’ll break right through the sky, a bad one can be devastating, and the devastation doesn't stop at the end of the evening. The emotional fallout can come at different stages and at different times, like any grief process.

That kind of trauma doesn’t fit easily in how we think about “sex positivity.” So much of our training and community values are based on being positive about sexuality that negative experiences get swept under the rug. There is too much at stake in a scene for us to pretend that with the proper invocations, everything will go right. If we are not ready for things to go wrong, we can’t be there for our friends and partners when a scene causes physical or emotional injury.

Perhaps the next stage in kink education needs to be training to respond to “Oh, shit!” situations, so that responses to crises in a playspace become as standard as knowing your safeword and packing EMT shears. But to go beyond even that, to start to discuss failed scenes openly and with compassion, we have to realize that the pain and consequences go deeper than we might first think. The loss of trust in partner and self can be deeper than any wound.

Even the best of responses is never perfect.

I admired Midori more than I could say for even writing this article, because it shows that we are fallible. We can have all the training and knowledge and practice in the world and things go pear-shaped anyway. And as she says, we need to start talking about failed scenes, about how you can do everything right and it still goes wrong, and we need to figure out what we're going to do as a community when that happens.

I was somewhat taken aback when a letter from the suspension bottom, Mistress Tokyo, came to light, however, suggesting that she perceived it as a lot messier and more awkward than originally presented. I think both people are expressing their own hurt fear and discomfort, and that it's important to listen to both sides:

The potential for human mistake in scenes is an unfortunate aspect of risky activities with consequences we must bear. This element is forgivable. It is how we deal with our mistakes though, that proves who we are. This is correct irrespective as to whether the situation is a private scene, professional session or public performance.

I find it unconscionable a Dominant/Top would not check in with a sub/bottom during an accident. I find it equally unthinkable a Top might choose to down-prioritize a bottom’s medical and emotional health for any reason. Neither of these two things constitute safe, sane play. I also believe a Top who can’t hold their own space emotionally during a worst case scenario incident is not a safe player.

This is an example of how the Top may feel they're doing the best they could do, and the bottom will feel it's not enough, and be valid in that feeling as well. As GrayDancer says in the comments, "The thing I say in that class is that we do not ever know how we will react to an event until it happens". No matter who you are.

This needs to spread like fire, burning away the brush so new growth can happen.

Safe/Ward Blog Carnival Take 2- Call for Submissions, Deadline Feb 4th!

2012-01-31T13:06:00.000-08:00

One of the things I keep hearing about abuse in the BDSM community is "oh, but that doesn't happen HERE". "I've never had something like that happen to me," some scoff, "so it must be something you're doing", or "I've never heard of that happening here". In each case, I have often had stories from people in those communities, unsure how to speak up or what to say locally, but feeling safe to discuss it with someone who will respect their anonymity and just listen.

I put together a blog carnival a while back using articles about BDSM and abuse written by prominent bloggers. But apparently, that's not enough. Since starting this discussion with Maggie, we have had many people come to us to confess their own stories, to say how yes, it does happen in their communities, but they're too intimidated to come forward. So I want to make space for them, and for you.

Do you have other stories of entitlement culture and abuse in your altsex spaces? Please, please share it with me, so we can band together and say yes, this happens, and no, it's not ok.

Email me links to blogs, miss dot kitty dot stryker at gmail, or send me an email with your story (700 words or less) and I will post it anonymously for you- I'd appreciate if you can share where you're from (as specific or not as you wish) and perhaps your age or gender to show the diversity of experience. You don't have to be a brilliant writer, you don't have to spellcheck, just share your story. I will post as many as I can on February 4th. I am committed to keep this a safe space, and will publish anything that maintains that space with respect.

You don't have to be silent anymore.

Live at the San Francisco SSEX BBOX Premiere

2012-01-31T00:35:00.000-08:00

I was in San Francisco picking up nothing more exciting than a bag filled with a My Little Pony themed scarf I'm knitting for the boy when I figured I'd pop by the SSEX BBOX premiere. Held at the Center for Sex and Culture, it was a full house and a fabulous experience, giving us all a chance to watch two episodes of the SSEX BBOX documentary series. With voices from San Francisco, Sao Paolo, Barcelona and Berlin, it was really inspiring to see diversity reflected on the screen.

"We're very lucky to have a lot of dialogue about sex, but we're aware in the Bay Area that it's not the norm," one speaker, Therese Noël Allen, MA, MFT, said. "Sexual education is often anatomical, heteronormative. SSEX BBOX creates a platform to normalize as well as bring awareness about what's out there". This particular pair of films focused on sexual shame and our relationship to sexuality, both as children and as adults.

Some of the things said really stuck with me- I'll give a few examples-

"It's no longer about male or female- I want to have sex with gods!"

"Rather than look someone in the eye and say 'You're really attractive and I want to have sex with you', we flirt, we're indirect- what if we could put our sexual desires out on the table like we do our food desires?"

"Let's move beyond sex as a stigma or as a celebration to a place where sex just exists."

"We were all kids with sexualities, but it's taboo to talk about kids having sexuality."

"How can we expect kids to treat sex as natural if, when they catch us doing it, we react with shame and fear?"

"There's this idea that sex destroys innocence- we pass this shame along, because it's easier than healing our own trauma about sex and guilt."

I unfortunately didn't get a chance to catch the names of everyone who spoke, but you can watch some of the video clips on Vimeo, with more updates all the time. And you can follow SSEX BBOX on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr- I recommend you do so and see what they get up to next!

Safe/Ward, Safewords, and the Battle of Community Accountability

2012-01-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

Introduction: Safe/Ward is getting to be rather a massive project, with a lot of posts, so if you're so inclined, please check out the other posts in the series:

-I Never Called it Rape
-I Wish I Could Use a Safeword on Rape Culture
-A What You Can Do Guide for Community Members
-A What You Can Do Guide for Community Leaders
-Blog Carnival #1
-This is Why I Speak Up
-Shadows (about one of my experiences)
-Guest Post: Sex-Negative Actions in Sex-Positive Communities

There's a Salon article out right now. Maybe you've seen it- "When Safe Words are Ignored", safewords being those things that help people doing play communicate their boundaries while play is taking place (often after some discussion about what's going to be happening). There's a great response to the article here, by a male feminist who goes by Snowdrop. Maggie Mayhem has also responded here.

Anyway, this article. It's been taking the kinky internet by storm, and there's a lot of backlash... again. Surprised? Not remotely, except perhaps at the fact that some of voices rebutting us the loudest are... well, you guessed it, pillars of the community, like respected author and presenter Janet Hardy.

Janet originally commented on a Bay Guardian piece about the consent culture fundraiser Maggie and I did last week. I was honestly kind of shocked about what she said-

A bottom who has withdrawn consent and is not safewording is abusing his or her top, by turning the top into a rapist without the top's consent.

Moreover, if you are a bottom who is unwilling or unable to safeword, you are not a safe bottom to play with, any more than a top who ignores a safeword is safe to play with. At minimum, you need to tell your top up front that you have this disability, so that your top can choose whether or not they're willing to take the chance of playing beyond your consent.

While I think that in some ways Janet and I agree- that part of the problem is bottoms not safewording when they should- I think that what we believe should be the response to that is vastly different. I've played with someone and they didn't safeword and turned out to have had an awful time, and it sucked, I felt awful, and, at first, I was pissed off at the bottom for not telling me what was going on. But then I reflected on it. Why didn't she tell me? Did she want to please me? She had a trauma history- did I trigger her without either of us knowing until it happened? Did the culture we lived in give the impression that safewording showed weakness? I didn't blow it off as "oh, she's just an unsafe bottom to play with"- I began to realize when I unraveled the situation that the kink culture has some deep underlying issues around consent, sometimes.

When I bottomed, I know I used to hear Doms tell me that they were proud of me for not safewording, or that true submissives don't safeword, that safewords were for tourists. We need safewords, was the general consensus among people I met, but they're kind of a killjoy.

Hm.

I have safeworded and had it ignored, and I have not safeworded because they had violated our very clear agreement, I was afraid for my safety, and why bother, if they were going to rape me they were going to rape me. Safewording and having it ignored was endlessly more traumatic. It proved that they were only as good as the respect the other person had for them, and for me- and that a predator can wear a very convincing mask, until they don't want to anymore.

As a Domme now, I worry about whether or not bottoms I play with will be able to let me know if their boundaries are being crossed. I'm also aware enough to know that things can go pear-shaped and it's no one's fault. Trauma responses and triggers can manifest after years of being shut away. Not everyone feels safe saying they've been assaulted in the past. I can only do the best I can do, and if that's not enough, then I deal with the fallout.

it's ok to joke about,
cause it's a female dominant! *cough*

I admit here, often, that I am not perfect- that I have been and can be manipulative sometimes, that I worry about my controlling nature and wonder if it's always coming from a healthy place. But I would never, ever say the bottom is just unsafe to play with- that would effectively encourage them to keep being silent! I would take responsibility for my part, and ask them how I can help them feel safe now. That seems obvious to me, but maybe it isn't.

As I told Tracy in part of the interview that she didn't use, nobody likes safewords. It sucks having to use one, and it sucks hearing one from your partner. They are, however, an incredibly useful tool for facilitating extreme play (especially play with the fantasy or appearance of nonconsent, where "no no!" may mean "hell yes!"), a firewall that divides abuse from Eros - so we use them anyway, and I only wish that the non-BDSM world would do the same.

Many longtime partners haven't needed one in years, because they know one another's reactions well enough that they can back off before matters get to that point... but anyone who plays with someone new, or does extreme play with a flavor of adversarialism or nonconsent, is playing with a particularly nasty kind of fire.

-Janet Hardy- read the comments on Salon here for full context

"Nobody likes safewords". I find that an interesting attitude to have, personally. Because if even a community leader is saying that safewords are sucky, then that adds to the issue I want to talk about further- this attitude that being at a safe place where playing without a safeword is perhaps more intimate and more desirable. And if that is the attitude, does that not promote an unspoken attitude that while playing with safewords is important and safer, playing without them is desirable?

Like with condoms- if you say "everyone hates condoms, but, you know, they keep you safe. However, people who trust each other sometimes become fluid-bonded", you're not saying that condoms are bad, but you're saying that without condoms might well be better. I mean, I spend a lot of time people how to enjoy negotiating in a way that's both sexy and effective, and how to have hot safer sex discussions and practices- I think that making safer measures part of foreplay is an important aspect of this discussion. And hey, look at that, I like safewords and condoms. Coincidence? I think not.

Sure, I can appreciate that people want to feel like they're in sync sexually, that unspoken communication is enough- and it's certainly possible to have that rapport with a partner. But how long do you need to know someone before that rapport is something you can trust? What signifies that you've done that legwork? How does one get to that safe place?

You shouldn't even be having SEX, much less any sort of power exchange, if you don't know who you are and how you expect to be treated...

The community provides LOTS of resources, from books, to Fetlife groups, local munches, discussion groups, and educational events. Virtually every state has at least one, if not multiple educational conferences a year, most run by intensely ethical people whose mission is to educate. And I don't know of a single one that hasn't banned people for inappropriate behavior. Newbies don't get in trouble because nobody offers to teach them...but they often do when they refuse to take the time to learn, to observe, and to develop relationships and friendships with people of integrity and real knowledge before diving in.

-read Assent Matters on fetlife for full context

Again, there's this expectation that if you do enough work, you'll be prepared and these things won't happen to you- or, if they do, you'll be the perfect victim. Who can possibly say when you know yourself enough to give full, enthusiastic consent? We don't live in a vacuum, here! To expect that no one will have sex until they are completely self-aware- well, fuck, I guess I should stop, then, cause I haven't reached enlightenment. I'm still figuring out who I am. Isn't, well, everyone? "Who you are" and "what you want" is often somewhat fluid.

haha, funny right? not so much.

I was told that in my case I didn't do a good enough job getting to know my first Dominant rapist- I had gotten references, I had taken time to get to know him (months, mind), I had safecalls and safewords in place and several play sessions under my belt before I ever let him tie me up. I was told, am still being told, over and over again, often by women who have themselves been abused, that I exercised poor judgment, that I didn't do enough to protect myself.

So when do you know someone, exactly? If a couple of months of getting to know this person, and three one on one dates with all the "correct" precautions in place isn't enough for bondage, what is? Six dates? Ten? If having several references isn't enough, how many is appropriate to be exercising good judgment? Should you only play in public? Are public spaces safe? What do you do when the abusers are friends with the DMs, or, worse, the DMs themselves?

I know of at least two conferences that have not banned someone from presenting despite getting feedback that the presenter was abusive- both cited not wanting to get involved in personal issues as their reason. And, as I keep hearing, we don't have any tribunal, any way to sort through these issues in a way that's not biased, so spaces muddle through dealing with consent issues individually, not communicating with each other, each one making its own choice. I've seen both members of an abusive relationship banned from a community space in the interest of "avoiding drama", even though legal orders were in place. I've seen spaces ban the abuser. I've seen mediation happen, as well. I've unfortunately seen the abuser be allowed to stay and the victim told to leave because the abuser was well-liked by the right people.

I also keep hearing the argument "well, this stuff happens in all communities, so..." Yeah, this is true. Entitlement culture is everywhere- churches, schools, the police, the government, swingers, and, yeah, the kinky community. Except those other communities don't underline the idea of consent all the time. Safe sane and consensual, or its buddy, risk-aware consensual kink, share the idea that consent is pretty important, hence why it's something we're trying to bring some light to.

It's fascinating how defensive people are about this idea, though. We agree that rape is bad, yes? And less of it would be good? So why then not discuss ways that consent can be treated like it's important in this scene? I'm all for personal responsibility, and safewords, and also not blaming victims and not creating a culture of isolation and slut-shaming. Isn't that a good thing? More to the point, I'm not just complaining- I'm actually proposing things communities can actively do to be more supportive. Why on earth is that being treated as an offense, exactly?

Worst of all, many of these community members seem to be pointedly ignoring that most rapes happen with someone you know. Not a stranger. Someone you know, often well. So what then, exactly? How do you combat this issue when some of the predators are the ones in charge? And doesn't that sound an awful lot like the way we as a society generally respond to rape..?

When we live in a world where fake, melodramatic rape accusations outnumber real rapes, then maybe we can have a discussion about worrying about that. But as of now, suggesting that people should deal with it internally, suffer being blamed and silenced, and be nice about it in the name of avoiding so-called "he said she said drama" means actively that real abuse is being ignored and enabled. And that is actively dangerous. Would you tell people who have been raped in any other setting not to report unless they're the perfect victim and have perfect proof? Are you suggesting that the police are perfect at dealing with these situations, especially if kinky sex is or has been involved?

I was with a woman a month ago who reported rape to the police. It was someone she knew, and had a kinky relationship with once upon a time. We went to the hospital and waited for hours to be told we were in the wrong place but that the station was ready for us and had a female officer to talk to. Then we went to the police station, where we spent a total of 5 hours locked in a room- a room locked on the outside- while the all-male cops made statements that suggested she was somehow at fault. She, trying to do the right thing, didn't wipe when she peed or shower from when the assault happen to when we got to the hospital- where she was given a rape kit 12 hours after we started the whole process. At that point, of course, the kit showed nothing.

There was no case- not because of anything she did, but because of bureaucracy and police fuckups. Had I not been with her supporting her, she would've dropped it anyway, simply because of the way to cops talked to her (and as a witness, they were pretty fucking awful). The pamphlet with info on what to do after a sexual assault? All the numbers and links were no longer valid. That's what we're dealing with, here.

All I could think was "if this had happened in a dungeon..."

DMs aren't trained in first response. You're told as a victim that we can deal with these things among ourselves, we don't need to talk to the cops (cause in many places the cops will already be suspicious of kink generally- see Paddleboro). And then we don't deal with it- we leave victims to drown on their own, keeping quiet because, well, you don't want to be ostracized, do you?

Why are people reacting so poorly to this? I suspect that it's because when you really sit and think about it, as Maggie and I did months ago when we started this project, about how many dimes you would have if you had a dime for every time you were sexually assaulted within the kinky community... well, you'd have a hell of a lot of dimes. And if you took one away for each time you told someone, you'd probably still have a lot of dimes. And if you put back a dime for each time you told someone but didn't call it rape?

Yeah. It fucked with our heads too. Because if you have safewords in place, and respected references, and the person is well-liked by the community and seems good at what they do (maybe even presents workshops), and you've negotiated and read all the books and done all the stuff you're "supposed" to do, we expect that these things won't happen. That we're safe. And sadly, that is not the case. I don't think we, as a "community", want to hear that, because it is fucking terrifying.

A lot of this is wrapped up in the fact that, as Maggie said to me, "we're a community until something goes wrong- then, we're all individuals". That's really interesting to me from a culture standpoint, and I'll be writing more on exactly that soon. How can I in good faith say to radical feminists "no, you don't understand, kink isn't abuse because of consent and safewords and our focus on mutual respect" when, in fact, the community for the most part has proven me utterly wrong? Keep an eye open for a post on community, "community", and what that means for accountability.

This is why I'm so angry. Because if I wasn't angry, I think I would lie down in the fetal position, so consumed by depression and sadness that I'd give up. And I can't give up. We can't give up.

airports are my new home

2012-01-29T17:37:00.000-08:00

So I just dropped the boy off at the airport after a whirlwind week of porn shoots, fundraising, acid trips and fancy costumes. It was incredible. Typically I spend the time with him at home, curled up for a lot of quality time- this trip was a lot more running about experiencing stuff!

Just a bit of the list-

-went with the boy and Penny to Edwardian Ball all weekend

-invited a British musician I really enjoy to Kinky Salon SF

-filmed for Kink Academy, twice

-ate sushi off giggly boy flesh

-got to spend multiple playdates with both my sweeties, inc. a jacuzzi tub

-rode a bicycle merry-go-round

-filmed a hot forced diaper scene for Pampered Penny

-had an epic acid trip and discovered my next life steps

-watched the boy interview at Kink

-ate vegan soul food and it is AMAZING

-had lots of hot sex

-watched the boy get his first tattoo

-threw a consent culture fundraiser with Maggie Mayhem and made almost $600
-played darts at the local pub
-did some geocaching

-watched MLP

-saw dolphins in Santa Cruz

But what was really fantastic was this.

So, the boy and I were engaged a while ago. He proposed to me on one knee at a castle in Whitstable, and it was beautiful.

Then we hit some incredibly rocky terrain, and we weren't sure if we were going to make it through that- the engagement was off, at least until trust had been regained. And, to be honest, part of the engagement had been about a pressure to symbolize our commitment to each other when we were in two different countries. We almost broke up. It was pretty awful.

But we worked hard. And while we made it through that, the engagement was still off.

Until Thursday. Thursday, while the boy and I snuggled in bed, chatting and reflecting and nuzzling each other, he suddenly turned to me and said how grateful he was that I came into his life, bringing the Elements of Harmony (we're MLP geeks, sue us). And he presented me with a ring. Not just any ring- he got this special for me, a white gold puzzle ring, bigger than the one he got me as a promise ring, and really lovely. He asked me if I would marry him, and I said yes.

Then, in true us fashion, we had some kinky, filthy sex to seal the deal.

It's hard to say goodbye. Every single time I bawl and my heart feels broken for a while. The first night in bed without him is going to be awful- it always is. But we're learning how to survive without each other- a lesson in wanting, not needing. And I would rather have my heart crushed every time I say goodbye to him for a few months than avoid the pain and be without him in my life.

I'm a little obsessed with The Little Prince. It's always been one of my favourite books, and one day the boy will have a fox tattoo to correspond with mine, the last scene of the story. I highly recommend you read the chapter about the exchange between the Little Prince and the Fox, because it is a beautiful metaphor for love and letting go. There's one quote from it I've always loved- "It's only with the heart that one can see rightly- that which is essential is invisible to the eye". I also love this quote by the author, Antoine de Saint-Exupery, that describes love well to me- "For true love is inexhaustible; the more you give, the more you have. And if you go to draw at the true fountainhead, the more water you draw, the more abundant is its flow." How beautiful is that?

But Saint-Exupery had another quote that sums up my love for the boy, and my gladness to be with him-

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward in the same direction."

I'm glad to be looking outward with him. <3

Stop SOPA: Why the Stop Online Piracy Act is Bad for Sexuality

2012-01-17T22:55:00.000-08:00

So January 18th is the Great Blackout, when sites all over will do everything from displaying a banner to blacking out their sites in protest of the Stop Internet Piracy Act and the Protect IP Act, a pair of proposed bills that will give private companies the power to shut off websites because they allegedly have copyrighted material on their page- allegedly, mind, it doesn't need to be proven.

It'll also make a blogger responsible, not only for their content, but the content of those commenting- so, no avatars with copyrighted images, no logos, no illustrating your posts with any images that you don't own the copyright to. Accusations of violations will be enough to cut off payment to your site, effectively shutting you down. Singing a popular song on Youtube could create pressure to block your profile, or Youtube could risk being blacklisted as a place where copyright infringements could happen. Many innovations we take for granted- Twitter, Wikipedia, Facebook, Tumblr especially- would not have been able to exist.

And who is backing this? Companies who make their money in music and movies, naturally, who feel like this is a method to prevent their content being stolen.

It's interesting to point out that porn companies, meanwhile, are AGAINST SOPA. Their content can be stolen too, of course, but porn understands what SOPA could lead to- private companies being given rein to censor the internet as they see fit. Sure, some of their content might be stolen, but they make enough of it to not be too fussed, plus they keep offering more extras on dvds that are hard to find- and niche porn tends to not find its way to torrent sites, so if you want, say, queer porn, you'll probably have to buy it anyway.

Also, it's possible that sites can be censored for "promoting" illegal behaviour- so this blog, for example, would be shut down because I talk openly about being a sex worker, and Erowid would be at risk for being a place for harm reduction drug taking practices. I worry that other sexual material could become easy to censor, particularly if you add this bill to some "think of the children" censorship campaign.

Anyway, read about SOPA, then sign a petition or talk to your local politicians about why the hell they aren't setting fires over this.

I'm also amused that Irish bookies are apparently taking bets on which sites will join the protest.

(no one can censor my ponies!)

This is What Free Range Fat Porn Looks Like

2012-01-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

All photos by Benjy Feen, of me.

You know what makes these sexy?

I'm confident, comfortable, and consenting to your gaze.

Review: the Outlaw

2012-01-17T17:07:00.000-08:00

I'm no size queen- I like average sized cocks, on the thick side, not too long. 5 1/2-7" is just about perfect for me, personally. My cervix doesn't like being battered down, after all, and thick is more important than long in my experience (take note, boys).

But when I go out on the town, I like to have a cock that's obscene. Thick, long, beyond any type of discretion. I want a cock that Gets Noticed (and possibly that I can beat someone to death with while screaming "tool of the patriarchy? I'LL GIVE YOU TOOL OF THE PATRIARCHY" but maybe that's just me).

There is really no other cock for this purpose other than the Outlaw, by the delightful Vixen Creations.

Vixen Creations is one of my favourite companies for cock. It's women-owned and mostly women-operated, and their products are some of the nicest dildos I have ever strapped on or had inside me ever. All of their products are made of a high-quality silicone, and their "vixskin" toys have this amazing soft outer layer with a firm inner layer that's surprisingly realistic. They've got a limited warranty on their products... for life. Additionally, it's the little things- naming their colours "vanilla", "caramel" and "chocolate" instead of "flesh toned", and making a vixskin dildo that's nonrealistic shows an understanding of privilege that's pretty snazzy. And they have other things too- hitachi covers and butt plugs, for example. Keep an eye out for my first experience with a Prosthetic Penis attachment (I had to wait til they came out with the Colossus- the boy's cock wouldn't fit into the Ride On!)

But the dildo that makes everyone's eyes grow wide, either with excitement or dread, is the Outlaw. I was on a sexytimes sleepover once and my date pulled out the Outlaw with a giant grin- I shook my head with an emphatic "no fucking way" and pointed to the much more sensible Mustang. Still, there was a part of me that really wanted to give it a try, nervous as it made me.

It is a hefty piece of equipment. At 8 1/2" long and 2" thick, the Outlaw stretched my harness to the limit- but I could still prop it up comfortably against my body, it didn't pull the harness down awkwardly. It felt nice in my hand. I got a little giddy about thrusting it into a lover, but that will have to wait until the weekend...

With a firm erect core and a soft outer layer, this cock is extremely realistic feeling, covered in veins and wrinkles. I particularly like the implied pulled-back foreskin. Love!

Internally, it feels pretty real too, especially if you warm it by using some lukewarm water beforehand. You could also cool it for some interesting sensation! There's no curve to it, but the girth is enough to keep you busy. I may call it the "prefisting" dildo. It's pretty intense! While I could only nudge 7" inside me, that extra inch meant I had a good handle on it, so that worked for me.

Like with any silicone toy, don't use silicone lubricant with this or you'll destroy your toy. It can be boiled for 3 minutes to sterilize, or wash with soap and water (it's non-porous). And you'll want to take good care of this, because it's such a lush toy, you'll want to enjoy it again...and again...

You can purchase the Outlaw directly from Vixen or via Good Vibrations. Thank you so much Vixen for letting me try this toy out! My cunt thanks you too.

(The boy, who will get to experience it this weekend, may thank Vixen too after he stops running away- I'll let you know ;) )

Ask Me Ask Me Ask Me

2012-01-17T09:29:00.000-08:00

I get asked in person all the time for advice relating to sex, gender, sex work, kink, consent... basically alternative sexuality. There's not a lot of good information for a pervert traversing the world of social mores on the sexier side of the street- and what there is tends to be heterosexist, not particularly feminist and, at the very least, often classist. That's not really the world a lot of my pervert friends live in.

At some point one of my friends turned to me and said "you know, you really need to have a kinky Miss Manners column" and I thought "ooooOOOOoooo".

But where to have such a thing? Who would take it on? At first I thought about asking the East Bay Express or SF Weekly but quickly realized that maybe I should be spreading my wings and looking past my doorstep. A lot of people keep telling Maggie and I that we need to be on Dan Savage's podcast talking about Consent Culture (to which I say, write and tell him so).

So instead, dear readers, I'll just ask you! Where do you think I should pitch this plan?

In the meantime, you can always ask me questions via Formspring by clicking on the "because ponies" image on the sidebar or clicking here.

Review: Retro Pocket Rocket Vibrator

2012-01-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

I love the Raygun Gothic Rocketship, and I am super proud that I got to rivet bits of it together. Theres something about the shiny chrome beauty of it, the way it's so retrofuturistic and dreamlike... yeah, it was inspiring to work on.

When I saw Good Vibrations was carrying a little vibrator version of my favourite Burning Man art piece, therefore, I had to have it!

The Retro Pocket Rocket waterproof vibrator is an undercover vibe that's 5" tall. In theory you could use it for penetrative play- I wouldn't personally as it doesn't seem like it'd be the most comfortable thing to use internally. The vibration is pretty strong for a toy of its size, but it's also pretty loud!

It's powered by a single AA battery, and is incredibly discreet when not in use- who would guess that this is, especially with the base to rest it on? It only has one speed, so you may find it's more of a sci fi novelty than a usual toy. Still, it's pretty adorable, and you could have it out in your house without commentary.

Made of ABS plastic and totally waterproof, the best way to wash this is just good old soap and water, or a toy cleaner/wipe. If you do insert it, don't forget to clean in the seams of the toy, and be wary- since it unscrews to open, and screws to shut, you can pinch yourself using it internally!

The Retro Pocket Rocket would be a great toy for the sci fi geek in your life- it'll look cool on your desk and be handy for blast off. ;) Thank you Good Vibrations for sending me this in exchange for a fair review!

Candid Pornography: an Update

2012-01-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

Desi, from my Candid Pornography post, has declared a war against my blog, bless his heart.

I'm getting a lot of traffic from his site, of course, because he's posted on his blog, which has images/video of fat clothed women, no face photos, not the best angles, that cost money, that I'm posting photos of myself, naked, pornographic, for free. It's... a little backwards, right? Why pay for a clothed incidental photo of a faceless woman who may or may not be consenting when you can get free stuff from a woman who loves sex and porn and shows her face?

Oh, Desi.

Here's some amusing highlights, his in the blockquotes:

"Please go tell her fat, pot-bellied ass to get a life."

Amusing that he makes his money on selling images of... wait for it... fat women. I mean, either he likes fat women, and therefore calling me fat as an insult is kind of... unfortunate, or he DOESN'T like fat women, in which case he's not the best person to sell pornography of a body type he dislikes and is using these women. Either way, he kinda looks bad.

"Blogger states that users aren't allowed to send nudity on their blogs."

Here is their policy. Their adult content policy is thusly, important bits highlighted:

We do allow adult content on Blogger, including images or videos that contain nudity or sexual activity. But, please mark your blog as 'adult' in your Blogger settings. Otherwise, we may put it behind a 'mature content' interstitial.

There are some exceptions to our adult content policy:

-Do not use Blogger as a way to make money on adult content. For example, don't create blogs where a significant percentage of the content is ads or links to commercial porn sites.

-No incest or bestiality content: We do not allow image, video or text content that depicts or encourages incest or bestiality."

So, sorry, Desi, you're just wrong. It's not even vague, it's clearly started in the first part of their policy. Do your research, sugarplum!

"Also, the user that showed me the link said that she is trying to act like I am the only person that is selling candds(sic). LMAO. Below are links to several candid videographers that are selling their material."

He gives the reader a full list of other similar candid places. Some of them actually do use models and have model releases, therefore are following 2257 law and are legal. If others aren't, though, well, thanks for the tips!

"Also, isn't it funny how the only women that oppose porn, abortion and prostitution (which she basically does for a living, LOL) are the fattest, most hideously unattractive chicks?"

Did he just call me anti porn? Me? Cause I hate porn so much. I only started a porn appreciation group for women, write about ethical pornography, am speaking at SXSW about adult work and social media, perform in ethical porn, and started a site to discuss the objectification of male bodies for a female gaze.

Yep. I hate porn SO HARD. And abortion, I hate that too. And I hate prostitution. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate sex worker rights.

*coff*

Bless. It's cute when men get all pissed off about logic.

Anyway, if you feel so inclined, continue to report desiscandids to blogger here. The link you want is desiscandids.blogspot.com. And hey, if you're bored, let's find where he goes next, eh?

Update: Poor kitten! He's so worked up he wrote another blogpost telling us he has more blogs anyway, and he's exporting it, so there. Oh noez! Cause it's so hard to find these things if we wanna look! He insulted my boyfriend's dick (cause, ya know, it's so small, and he's totally the sort of macho dude who cares) and says my ass/breasts aren't big enough. Uh... huh.

And what do you mean I am pissed about logic, women don't think with logic. They do shit based on emotions.

Bless your heart, Desi. It's ok. I know being a tantrum throwing manchild is difficult. ::pats head::

Particularly funny- even if he had 3x the followers, he'd still have a 2,192,772 Alexa rank. I have a much higher rank. Soooooo MATH FAIL!

fuck this scarlet letter bullshit part 4: The Internet as the New Pillory

2012-01-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

Part of a series discussing mostly whorephobia but also slut-shaming generally: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Hot on the tail of my post about candid pornography and the way people feel they have the right to images of your body, with or without your consent, comes a post on Salon about TheDirty, a website that gives legal names as part of their (mostly female) shaming process, and IsAnyoneUp, which goes a step further and links facebook pages for personalized harassment (oh, but are supposedly equal opportunity, as they also shame men). The crimes of these women and men? Their attractiveness (to the guy running each site), and being sexual... or just perceived as sexual.

"Both men seem to share a similar sense of sexual karma: If you ever take a naked photo of yourself, you deserve to be publicly exposed on the Internet. During a recent appearance on Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show, Moore told an aggrieved woman who found herself on the site, ”Nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to take these photos. It’s 2011, everything’s on the Internet.” He added: “There’s one easy way to never end up on my website: Don’t take those photos.”"

A cocktail of whorephobia (the worst thing you can say about many of these girls is asking for their price, for example, or the fact that escorts are called "portapotties"- charming), homophobia (the few men on the TheDirty are often accused of being gay, while on IsAnyoneUp, men freak out when other men compliment their cocks), and good old fashioned fatphobia, TheDirty/IsAnyoneUp are places where people submit photos of other people for ridicule. It's a place where every person is measured up against the "perfect 10" body (or the male equivalent) and some weird algorithm for being the right amount of sexual- not a prude or a slut but that magic space in the middle.

People who submit to TheDirty often complain about how girls who don't fit some standard of a "perfect 10":

"Now that a homely girl has gained some popularity with photshopped(sic) and edited images on Facebook and Twitter, their ego all of a sudden goes from insecure ugly duckling to that of an absolute 10. How is this okay, and when is it going to stop?"

This is a perfect lead in to another article that's been circulating, over on the Huffington Post, about Facebook and teenage female body image. There's this female competitiveness trend, you see, that girls learn early on and then spend much of their lives trying to kick the habit- a trend that often leads to cyberbullying. But the other side, the trickier side, is that girls post images of themselves in the hope of getting complimented for their attractiveness as defined by their conforming to feminine ideals, by boys and girls alike. The more popular you are, the more praise you will receive- and the more likely you will conform to maintain that reputation. And the less popular you are, the less freedom you have to push at the mold of what's "feminine" and "attractive" without fear of bullying.

Societies have gone along for a while on the idea that women need to be pretty and feminine and men need to be wealthy and powerful. Facebook gives another playground on which to go along with the same gender politics, though I'm also found it invigorating for ways in which people buck that trend and fight back. But it has also opened my eyes to some incredible privilege denial and infuriated me and given me fodder for this here blog. I can only deal with it because I have had a lot of practice in maintaining a thick skin and fighting back.

As a high school student, though, I probably would've posted photos of myself too, because teenagers are desperate for attention and validation. I would've been crushed when people told me I was fat and ugly, as they inevitably would have, since putting people down is part of the social contract if you want to climb through the ranks. I was already somewhat promiscuous because it helped me feel liked, it validated my attractiveness on some level, it gave me some power in that currency. Had the internet been more a part of my life, particularly social media and texting, I bet that would've had a seriously negative impact. I was already drowning in media messages on a daily basis telling me to be thinner, style my hair, do my makeup, have more money to afford nicer clothes, and was struggling with bulimia and self-worth. I think what would've made it worse is that bullies would no longer have to say it to my face and risk me punching them- they could gang up on me online and I would have limited recourse.

I have gotten out alive, and am pretty proud of being fat, proud of being a lesbo whore, but it has not been fucking easy going.

This had led me to think of the internet as a sort of pillory system, a place where people can be named and shamed with limited possibility of backlash. A person can easily be elevated and humiliated, their reputation destroyed, thanks to mob mentality and the belief that on the internet your abuse is anonymous. Porn Wikileaks was a great example of that, where they spent all their time outing people's personal details while hiding who they were- obviously under the belief that some people deserve privacy and others do not, that by being a sexual person you deserve the pillory. What's particularly amazing is that you may never know that you're in this social pillory, unless you come across it or someone tells you about it.

But you know what helps?

Imagine, if you will, getting thrust into a pillory for something you don't think is a crime. Being comfortable in your body, say. Being heavier or lighter than the average "acceptable" weight. Being marginalized person. Being a sexual person.

Now imagine you can escape that pillory, Houdini style, and put your accusers in there instead to be ridiculed and exposed for the asshats they are.

That's why I speak up, and speak out.

A Switchblade In my Sleeve: Why I Talk Back

2012-01-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

"Don't feed the trolls".

I get told this a lot. Don't argue with trolls, Kitty, don't keep fighting with them, they're assholes, they just want the attention. Just block them. Just walk away. Just pretend you don't hear them. Don't look. Don't speak. Don't respond.

I used to do that. Used to bottle up my rage, vent it elsewhere. Then I realized that by not directing my rage back at these people, even just the once, I was internalizing it. I was taking it out in the wrong place, at the wrong people. And that's just ridiculous. I've had enough of wasting energy preaching to the choir and playing nice.

If someone catcalls me in an intimidating way? I'm going to confront them.

If someone publishes my personal details on a website to try to shut me up? I'm going to get even louder.

And if someone brings their abusive attitude to my turf? I am going to rip them a new one.

None of this "turn the other cheek" bullshit. I am not a passive person. I am not the docile type. I am a feral cat and I will claw back. As well I should, really. What sort of world is this when someone suffers abuse and harassment and is told the best method to deal with it is to shut up and sit down? Bless your hearts, I know there are people reading my blog who have said this in the interest of maintaining my mental health- I know you mean well, but I am not in the business of playing dead, and to hold my tongue exhausts me more than to fight back. I do not have the privilege of "just ignoring it"- as a fat girl, as a sexual woman, as a fat sexual being, as a sex worker, I would have to completely block out human interaction to have safe space. To ignore it is to submit to it.

Margaret Cho said something similar this week, to the delight of people everywhere, talking about her response and her anger when people make negative comments about her appearance, and how pissed off it makes her when people say "gee, you're just too angry":

"I do not take the high road. I take the low road and blows below the belt are my absolute favorite. The best revenge is not living well. The best revenge is revenge. My mouth and mind and typing fingers are weapons of mass destruction and I pity those ignorant idiots who would leave insults about mine or any women's bodies in comment boxes because there's ways of hunting people down. Lots and lots of ways. It's not as anonymous as they think, as stupid as they are.

I'd like to say things that would haunt them for the rest of their days, because their hideous words stay with me eternally. Their insipid spouts of "no fat chicks" are branded onto my soul, so they must reap what they sow. If I am in my worst way and I talk to you, you will know you have been talked to. I want to punish you with the unforgettable shit you will take to your grave and hurt you long after you are dead in the ground. may my poison bore holes in your dry, decaying bones."

There are a lot of quotes about how anger destroys the person holding it, how anger is poisonous and will hurt you if you indulge in it. I call bullshit. One of my favourite quotes ever is from a flash cartoon I saw years back- "don't direct your anger inwards... direct it OUTWARDS, towards your peers!" While in that cartoon it was an anti-suicide message, it spoke to me about anger- why should I take these things out on myself when it's other people trying to hurt me? Better to direct that venom back at them, a purifying fire out of which I am reborn again and again, a more streamlined activist with better armour and a sharper tongue each time.

I've been beginning to read through the SCUM Manifesto, a classic in the history of feminism that is often blown off as "too angry" and "crazy talk". And yes, it's sometimes pretty amusing, very much a product of its time, and certainly pissed off at patriarchy and capitalism- quotes like "Eaten up with guilt, shame, fears and insecurities and obtaining, if he's lucky, a barely perceptible physical feeling, the male is, nonetheless, obsessed with screwing; he'll swim through a river of snot, wade nostril-deep through a mile of vomit, if he thinks there'll be a friendly pussy awaiting him" is definitely the product of someone who is livid at male privilege.

Yet I find myself drawn to it, find myself surprised at how often I nod at Valerie Solanas's words and say "actually..." When I saw the article about the women in Egypt who fought back and caned the self-appointed "morality police", I cheered. India's Pink Vigilantes who shame abusive husbands and corrupt politicians by banging on their doors as a mob? That's AWESOME. When thugs attack two men on a fancy dress night out wearing dresses for being "fags", and those men turn out to be fucking cage fighters? I say justice.

Pacifism has almost always ridden the coattails of people ready to be aggressive back. As a sex worker and a woman who is constantly made aware of the ways in which capitalism and patriarchy seeks to keep me quiet and in my place? I'm all for fighting back. Writing strongly worded letters only works when people read them.

I don't feel the need to use a bomb where diplomacy has a chance- however, I'm definitely not going to tell marginalized groups they're being "too angry" and that they should just deal with individual and systematic violence with peaceful resistance. There is a space for anger that can be healthy:

Healthy anger is not aggressive, nor is it passive. The formidable center is clear and assertive. It is responsive but not reactionary.

So yes. If punching back is "feeding the trolls", I am a total feeder. I will stuff them with my pointed fury until they burst. Because it allows me to do alchemy with my own anger, transforming the possibility of hurt and victimhood into strength and a push back. I will not be kept down. And I will definitely not be kept quiet.

Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.
Maya Angelou

(And when you wonder why I'm so into My Little Pony? It's my unicorn chaser for LIFE.

Blog title is a nod to Ani Difranco.)

Pleasurists #163

2012-01-15T12:06:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Blacksilk*

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 162? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 164? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday January 15th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

*Pleasurists just started accepting photo submissions for the art at the top of editions! For more information click here.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

New Year, New Vibrator! Deadline: January 12th @ 11:59pm.
PicoBong Contest Deadline: January 12th.
Pop Plug Giveaway Deadline: January 22nd.
Couples Game Giveaway! Winners choice! Deadline: January 23rd.
Win an Icicles No. 8 Glass Toy! Deadline: January 27th.
Dildo Giveaway! Deadline: February 1st.
FunWares Valentine’s Giveaway Deadline: February 4th.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Whipspider Rubberworks Jellyfish by Epiphora
Vamp Lolita by Lucid Obsession
NobEssence Intrigue by Mistress Kay
Tantus Echo by Karen Blue
Laid D.1 by Lucid Obsession
Icicle #8 by Kitty Stryker
Wilde G1 by Kitty Stryker

Anal Toys

Pure Large Vibrating Plug by Rose Rouge

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

Adult DVDs & Porn

Miscellaneous

Stallion Vibrating Thigh Harness by True Pleasures

Candid Pornography

2012-01-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

(Update: Desiscandids is no longer live on Tumblr, and the blog is against the blogger content policy- they forbid blogs that only exist to make money off adult content... and one of their posts is of a declared teenage girl, so w/o 2257s... If you feel so inclined, report desiscandids to blogger here. Protest and information = power!)

Candid photography is one of those tricky things. At Folsom, Pride, or do a performance/event my photo gets taken all the time, but I also expect that and dress/act accordingly. I'm even a bit sad that I never see the photos!

When you leave the house and are in public space, in the US anyway, your rights around people taking photos of you are pretty much gone, unless it's something seen as overtly sexual like upskirt shots. There's been some question about candid photography with the intent of objectifying someone without their consent, for example with TubeCrush.net, where women send photos of cute men that they take while one public transit. Women have their photos or video taken of them by creepy dudes all the time, so there's a big question about if it's bad to objectify men in this way or not (taste of their own medicine, that sort of thing). I mean, men are often not objectified generally, hence my intense desire to dress up like a construction worker with a bunch of other femmes and catcall men in suits in downtown SF. Does that make it more ok to photograph people with sexual intentions if they aren't usually objectified in that way? I don't feel comfortable saying yes, though it's something I'm running through in my brain.

Still, regardless of the genders involved, there's a social contract in place that says you should probably ask for permission and typically it's best to get a model release while you're at it, right? If you want to take a photo of someone looking sexy you probably want to make sure they're over the age of consent, at least. Taking photos of people without asking as wank fodder, particularly wank fodder other people pay for, is kind of... sinister.

That's exactly what Desi's Candid Big Butts is doing. They have a tumblr and a blogspot where they take photos of women with large derrieres and then post them, with video costing money. Oh, and despite the fact this person does this without asking the women, they watermark all their material... so you don't steal it. IRONY!

The boy sees this, and he flags the blog over on tumblr, saying "gee, guys, this seems kind of fucked up and possibly illegal". Tumblr responds thusly:

Hello,
We realize this content may be very upsetting, but we also highly value freedom of expression and freedom of speech.
Sometimes content posted by a blogger may be mean-spirited or upsetting but does not violate the law. In order to maintain freedom of expression, we cannot remove that material.
You can and should stop viewing content from an offending blogger. If you use Tumblr, you can also Block a blogger at http://tumblr.com/block. This prevents you from seeing content from that blogger on your Dashboard and prevents that blogger from sending you messages via Tumblr.
Thank you for taking the time to share your concern with us.
Beth

I looked into this further and discovered objectifying OTHER parts of women is a-ok legal-wise. Feet? Totally cool! Smoking? Legal! Asses? As long as they're wearing clothes! Upskirt, though? A step too far. Good to know. Is this objectification of fat girls ok because they're fat and aren't usually seen as desirable? If I saw my ass on this site I would be pissed.

That said, I've been reading about this a lot, and while you may not need a model release for fine art or editorial use, pornography is commercial use and as such requires model releases AND 2257 forms. The question is- is pornography in the eye of the beholder? Is it in the intention in which it's displayed or presented? Is it illegal, should it be illegal, or is it just in bad taste?

Also, can I just have my usual "WTF IS WITH MALE PRIVILEGE", not only that someone feels they have the right to take these images without permission, OR to sell them, but that people consume these images without giving a fuck.

::sigh::

Feel free to tell tumblr what you think here: support@tumblr.com

UPDATE:

This letter was also written to Tumblr, and we'll let you know when a response is sent:

"Dear Tumblr folks:

The Tumblr blog http://desiscandids.tumblr.com/ is in violation of US federal law 18 U.S.C. § 2257, which requires recordkeeping from producers of sexually explicit material. The user/blog in question presents "candid" photographs and video of women and teenage girls, with some material *for sale* through *your* web service, with no documentation available about the age and consent of the persons depicted.

In addition, this content is in violation, on many counts, of New York Penal Law 235, with which I hope you are familiar, given that your company is based in New York State.
Tumblr is hosting illegal content. Since you state in your terms of service that: "Use of the Site or Services to violate the security of any computer network, crack passwords or security encryption codes, transfer or store illegal material including that are deemed threatening or obscene, or engage in any kind of illegal activity is expressly prohibited," it seems obvious that this Tumblr site should be removed.

I look forward to hearing how Tumblr chooses to resolve this issue. My New York attorney, R- M-, will also be watching the matter with interest.

Thank you.
Sincerely,

Rose White"

A 28 Birthday Fete!

2012-01-12T10:51:00.000-08:00

My 28th birthday was this last weekend, and it was fabulous!

We had a meeting of the Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, with about 20 ladies coming in their best hats and gloves to sip creme brulee earl grey tea and Pimms, snack on mini pot pies and cucumber-mint sandwiches, and watch such art as "Rezervoir Doggs XXX" and "Open Invitation: A Real Swingers Party in San Francisco". It was absolutely delightful! I was really happy to be surrounded by friends who also enjoy the juxtaposition of a frilly tea with hardcore smut. Additionally, this was the first meeting of LHT&P in the Bay Area, so it was awesome to have it for my birthday, at my house, low key enough to not exhaust me but not so low key that it was dull.

I think a great number of the ladies who came are excited to see more of these happen in the future! I do hope there are more, as I'm really enjoying being surrounded by female energy and laughing. There's nothing like watching parody porn and making fun of it while dressed in a ladylike fashion and flirting with similarly minded folk! Admiring each others "sunday best" certainly broke the ice and led to an enjoyable party. And the boy sent the most beautiful bouquet of flowers!

I brought out the vintage china for the party, and was relieved that none of it got broken. It's my inheritance, after all! I am a little sad that my Lady Clankington pistol apparently got dropped and some pieces broke off it, but I'll see if I can get it fixed up.

After the tea party, it was time to put moustaches on and go to Suzanne's birthday party- we're birthday twins after all! So on with the moustaches and off to Oakland, where gin was had, and cake, and hanging out with all my friends together at once. I got all sorts of awesome presents, including a singing pickle, donations towards the Consent Culture tour with Maggie Mayhem, some cute tights and a beautiful necklace. I drank too much, stepped in some cake accidentally, and ended up falling asleep at 11pm, but woke up to brunch, geocaching, and a relaxed day at home. I felt incredibly loved, and so happy to see so many people I care about.

All in all, it was a good start to my 28th year!

The cherry on the top was yesterday, when my ex partner took me to get my cutie mark. Yeah, yeah, I know, but the cutie mark thing really speaks to me. The idea that at some point you earn your cutie mark, a symbol that references your passion and your life path is one that really resonates.

I knew pretty quickly what that cutie mark was going to be, too- a sword and a pen, crossed. I'm a firm believer that while the pen is mightier than the sword, both are good to have on hand!

The sword is Xena's sword, as she was my feminist and queer femme icon from an early age- kickass, a little kinky, sometimes fucking up but always striving to help those in need. Xena was my pre-Buffy idol, a woman who didn't need to settle down, who could take care of herself but was still vulnerable when someone deserved that intimacy. She had a strong relationship with another woman, was an equal partner in bed, was at one with her desires and, while she wasn't monogamous, she was pretty ethical with her lovers. I also liked her backstory- fighting to protect her village, she becomes one of the most feared warlords in the land, gets knocked off her path of destruction and becomes a champion of those who have less power. Read this blog for like, 5 minutes and tell me that didn't imprint!

The pen is a Mont Blanc Boheme Noir, a really beautiful and quality fountain pen. I liked it first because of the name (ah, Bohemianism, and an opera with tuberculosis as a main theme) but also because, while it's a high quality pen, it's not the fanciest, most top-of-the-line in the Mont Blanc world. I'll admit, I went to Mont Blanc because when I told my girlfriend I was getting "a pen" she looked horrified that it wasn't a specific pen. She's a bit of a calligraphy snob. ;)

I'm really happy with my cutie mark, which is on my upper thigh (my flank, shall we say) and positioned to look sexy when I'm wearing a garter belt and stockings. Soon, there'll be an image of that! I also got my acetylene tattoo at last, on my back- highly explosive? Yep. sounds about right.

All in all, a lovely birthday. I'm so grateful to have spent it with so many of my loved ones. Bring on 28!

Pleasurists #162

2012-01-10T23:13:00.000-08:00

the eyes say it all by cub69

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 161? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 163? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday January 1st, 2012 @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Win Your Choice of a LELO Insignia SenseMotion Toy or a Picobong Toy! Deadline: January 9th.
Dildo Giveaway! Deadline: February 1st.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Anal Toys

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

Xtreme Head Exciter by Bob Brown
Tenga 3D Polygon by Kitty Stryker

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

The Merry XXXMas Book of Erotica by Mistress Kay

Adult DVDs & Porn

Lingerie

Miscellaneous

Review: Betty Harness

2012-01-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

It was months ago that I got the Betty harness and I was so excited about it. But when I tried it on... it was about 3" too small for my hips.

Boo!

I was super disappointed, because this harness is perfect- femme, cute, and machine washable, the perfect counterpart to the Joque. I also loved the smooth pantie-like closure that uses velcro instead of metal or rubber rings to fit your cock, meaning there's nothing stiff to smack into. It's a simple design, certainly, but super sweet.

Too bad it didn't fit.

Saddened, I messaged Velvet Nest, the company that made these, to ask if they did any custom harnesses. Imagine my joy and delight when they said yes indeed they did, and they'd be happy to custom make a harness for me for just $25 more (and they kept the pattern in case I reorder!) That means that if you are a femme with hips over 48", you can get a cute harness custom made. Kind of massive, no? My hips are about 50" so you can see how it looks on me.

I particularly liked the red and white peppermint striping of the Betty harness, but if black with white polka dots are more your style, the Veronica is also available. The extra small/small fits a 34-38" waist, and the 1x/2x fits 42-48", so knowing you can go custom if you want is really helpful.

The straps are easy to adjust, and you can slide the harness on and off with ease thanks to the buckles. The back strap is just a solid but wide piece of fabric offering some great back support. The whole design is also ideal for wearing under clothing without anyone guessing.

If you're in the market for a vegan or machine washable harness with a femme asthetic, Velvet Nest certainly has you covered and is well worth checking out! Good Vibrations carried the whole set and now only seems to have the Betty in a 1x/2x, so they're pretty popular. Well worth looking into!

Why Working Hard for Privilege Doesn't Negate That Privilege.

2012-01-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

So there's an article about how being thin isn't a privilege up at SexIs by Roland Hulme, a guy who has written before about how drunk consent is still consent ("otherwise we have to re-examine a woman's right to drink!" he quips), an article that wasn't fact-checked about Madison and breastfeeding, and about how the writer doesn't think trans people should be allowed to change their sex on their birth certificates. "The notion of “thin privilege” undermines, dismisses and insults all that formerly fat people did to become the size they are today," he says, while completely ignoring that people get bullied, not just by individuals, but by institutions, simply because of their weight.

This article (in a column called "The Devil's Advocate", by the way) was spurred by my post on the Thin Privilege Checklist, which I pointed out was sometimes accurate and sometimes problematic as it ignored that slender people deal with some of the same invasive issues. My post on holidays and body image also feeds into a lot of the same issues (see what I did there?) I'm pretty sure I'm the "idiot pundit" he refers to.

Dear poppet Roland and I got into a mighty Twitter battle over how he worked out really hard to get slim and therefore thin privilege wasn't a thing that existed. What saddens me is that people are so defensive about looking at their privileges, rather than grateful that they are in a place to explore them and use that privilege to help others who don't have that access. I use my white privilege to educate myself on racism, for example, and as a weapon to be a better anti-racist, rather than be butthurt when someone points out my privilege, y'know?

That said, I can also understand how people might feel defensive- thanks to a world that is pretty constantly anti-women, anti-trans, anti-queer, anti-POC, anti-fat, anti-disability, etc, people who point privilege out are often fed up and angry and may do so from a place of fury. And I get that. I really do. Anyone who reads my blog can imagine the stream of anti-male stuff that goes on in my head. I get fed up and angry at the constant stream of bullshit I encounter on a daily basis.

But I'm not actually anti-male. And tempting as it is to simplify it in that way, it's not accurate and leads to endless discussion about "male privilege" vs "female privilege", when what I actually mean to say is I'm anti-patriarchy and I'm anti-male entitlement. Personally I've found combating privilege from a place of my own defensiveness to be counterproductive, and often reactionary in a way that doesn't communicate what I actually mean. I totally get defensive when someone says "fuck you and your privilege", even though I get why they choose to communicate it that way. It's a constant process and one I keep working on.

So I feel for dearest Roland, who keeps talking about how he shouldn't be made to feel bad about his privileges, that he worked hard for them. Ok, sure. But being told to check your privilege, while sometimes used as a snarky comment or as a violent clue-by-four, can also be taken at face value- are you taking for granted things that others don't? And are you conflating intrapersonal privilege (getting bullied on an individual level) vs institutional privilege (being told as a fat person you need to purchase two seats on an airplane or not fly)? Because they're not the same, and both are important to look at.

As a fat sex worker, my body is up for discussion a lot. In the US, where fatphobia reigns supreme despite all the access to crappy food, I have dealt often with phone calls and emails from clients who abused me emotionally about my weight and daring to be sexual. In the UK, however, where I can go to many shops and buy sexy, well-fitting clothes for my size 20 body, strangely enough I don't deal with that abuse at all. There is less (dare I say) weight given to thinness there- sexy is seen as coming in multiple shapes and sizes, and it's obvious in how clients behave. The US definitely has created a world where average to slender is idealized (for women, at least, men is a whole 'nother article, as you want to be not too thin, or too fat, but some spectrum in the middle).

I still believe pretty strongly, as I said on Twitter weeks back, that access to exercise and quality food that you can afford does equal privilege. Being able bodied makes it easier to do that and = privilege. Having time to work out = privilege. Not getting harassed about your weight wherever you go = privilege. It can be an earned privilege, even a hard-earned privilege, but it's still a privileged position. A transman works very hard to get to the position of passing as male, for example, but for him to say he doesn't have access to some aspects of male privilege would be folly.

To be clearer- getting from a place of lacking privilege to having more privilege is hard fucking work and honestly worth being proud of- HOWEVER, it doesn't take away from the fact you then have that privilege.

I worked my ass off to get from a place of teetering on poverty's doorstep to a place now where I can actually save money. I used to eat exclusively from food banks- food that was always processed and canned, because that was cheap and kept well, but was also high in sodium and sugars. There was no access to fruits and vegetables, or fresh meat. There was no wheat bread. The best I could get was high calorie, low nutrient crapola. Check out this infographic on the number of calories $1 will buy for a visual aid.

I got out of it. I can now eat nicer food, and yeah, because I eat better food I eat less of it. But I have privilege- I live with family (I have local family with room for me to stay) so don't have to pay rent, I have skills that are marketable (and access to education, and friends in privileged positions that are generous), I have access to a vehicle and the internet.

It's not a bad thing that I have privilege, and it's not a dirty word IMO.

It becomes infuriating, though, when people pretend their privileges don't exist and make their lives easier. Because of my lack of rent and my access to freelance jobs utilizing my skills, I am in a position of privilege where I can afford to pick and choose sex work clients, for example. If I have a bad gut feeling, I don't see a client. I work indoors, with clients who have given references. I can take a week to decide. To say those safety measures aren't a privilege, that it was just due to the hard work I put in, would be insulting to people who do, say, survival sex work, suggesting if they just worked hard enough they could have privilege too. That's just not always true. It is incredibly hard to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" when you have to make your own boots, and when you have multiple types of oppression holding you down. I feel really proud to have turned things around, and I worked for years to do so- but I'm aware that my privilege helped me do that dramatically, and I'm grateful, not guilty.

It's not about Roland feeling guilty. I don't care if he feels guilty or not, frankly. But I do care if he's using defensiveness to derail the arguments being made, and as a way of refusing to check that privilege. It's part of being compassionate and empathetic, listening and responding, not just sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming "no no no!" I get it, truly. I still struggle with my own desire to be defensive. But it's just that, being defensive, it's not being accurate.

And I don't know even how to start with Roland's idea of comparing starving Ethiopeans to thin people in the US as a way of saying thin privilege doesn't exist. I'll just leave it at "wow, that's incredibly offensive, but then considering what and how you write, it seems like you just like to stir the pot". But I will mention that malnourishment, which is often something that happens not only in poorer countries but also among the lower classes here in the US thanks to the food access issues I mentioned earlier, often leads to a distended belly... and the appearance of being fat.

Review: Mascara Vibrator

2012-01-09T23:52:00.000-08:00

I am a femme who likes to be prepared.

That said, I've been going a little overboard with that- my laptop bag currently has, among the books on spotting predators, a set of anal beads and some door cuffs.

But not everyone has that level of... lack of shame?.. lack of common sense?.. that I have. Some people like subtlety and discretion. I don't fully understand, but to each their own, right?

And this is a pretty sweet toy.

Disguised as a mascara, this container is hiding a pretty strong little vibrator called the Bedroom Eyes Mascara Vibrator, and it's available at Good Vibrations. Using three LR44 button cell batteries (and handily coming with six!) this little gem will keep going for 80 minutes! Not bad.

It's got a little push button in the base that cycles through three different speeds, and then one pulsing sensation that's quite pleasant. The "brush" at the end is silicone and elastomer for a surprisingly sexy tease- you can either use the textured side, or the tip for some more concentrated vibration.

Of course this makes for the perfect femme purse item- it'll discreetly nestle among all your other toys and can make any bathroom touchup into a little more touching... I can't wait to give it a try. It's quiet enough that you can get up to no good without other people hearing you. Unless you giggle.

I also like that the design means it can protect the silicone/elastomer tip from fuzzies, as well as keep it looking like just another item of makeup in your purse. Compact, pretty, and camouflaged, the Bedroom Eyes vibe is a handy little piece of equipment to have on hand!

I personally quite enjoyed using the bristles on this to tickle my labia, along with on my clit- I'm imagining my boy will enjoy feeling it on his nipples when he gets here, too!

For cleaning this, I used soap and water, though a toy spray would work too. It's waterproof, so you can clean it easily, though don't boil it. And as with any silicone toys, don't use silicone lubricant with this- use some nice water-based instead.

Thank you Good Vibrations for letting me try out the Bedroom Eyes Mascara Vibrator in exchange for an honest and fair review!

Review: Icicle #8

2012-01-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

Glass toys are quickly becoming a thing for me, mainly because they're just so elegant and pretty, sometimes transparent, sometimes opalescent, always smooth and stylish. The Icicles collection has some lovely pieces- I love #24- and today I was excited to try out #8, the glass wand, from Erotic Toy Town.

Made of opalescent glass with a blue helix in the middle, this is a really, really lovely toy. Opening it up I was struck by how it gleamed in the padded packaging! I only wish it had some with a velvet bag for protecting it from chipping. It's like a mermaid's plaything- so of course I had to take it into the bath.

The thing that first really struck me about this toy is the weight of it- not too heavy, but just enough to give it some substance. The Icicle #8 has one bigger, bulb-like side that you can hold onto, and the other side is smaller. There's no reason you couldn't use the arger bulb internally, of course! It's 7" long, with about 6" insertable length, and is ideal for vaginal play (you could use it anally, but have a good grip on it because it could still slip in). Don't forget that glass can be heated up or cooled down, making it a fun sensation toy!

Because this is glass, it's sterilizable with soap and water or toy cleaners. I wouldn't boil it simply because there's a) no need and b) some possibility that the opalescent stuff is a paint on the glass versus what the glass looks like. For storing this, do consider keeping the styrofoam padding it comes with. The box is ugly but the styrofoam will keep your toy safe. Alternatively, you can get padded bags to protect your glass pieces.

If you're looking for a gorgeous and not terribly expensive foray into glass sex toys, the Icicles #8 is on sale now at Erotic Toy Town- go check it out! Thanks ETT for sending me this toy in exchange for an honest and fair review.

In Praise of Body Hair

2012-01-03T03:04:00.000-08:00

Body hair is one of those things that I don't really understand people disliking. I mean, I understand how shaving or waxing can make you look more neat, whether it's your pubic hair or your chest, and ok, to be honest, I can understand having your back shaved or waxed, especially if it's uneven. But other than for a brief dabbling with the novelty of smooth skin, or if you do a lot of roleplay where being shaved makes sense (like ageplay, for example) I just don't understand it.

I don't shave my armpits, and I don't shave my pubic hair. I like the way the hair looks on my body- in fact, I often wish it was a little thicker. I particularly love the way the boy buries his face in it. I shave my legs sometimes, and it's definitely a concession to fashion, though I'm less fastidious about it since my girlfriend said she liked it when I didn't shave my legs, because it seemed more intimate.

I find hair, particularly pubic hair, to be incredibly sensual. And even more, I love the way the labia peeks out from it- it seems naughty for some reason, but adorable at the same time. People complain about hair in the teeth, but to be honest it just takes a little skill to deal with that tactfully and without the other person knowing. And I'd rather than hair in my mouth than ingrown hairs near my tongue... ick!

There's a lot of support for this idea that pubic hair or armpit hair is somehow dirty, and while that's focused on women, men are starting to pick up on it too. Hairless rates are going up, and it's not as rare anymore to find men having their own beauty salons to get tweezed and waxed. I've met many women who wrinkle their noses at the idea of pubic hair.

And I find it kind of sad, because I love the way that hair traps that musky smell my body just sings out to, I love the wiry softness of chest hair against my cheek, the fuzz on a boy's bottom, the tuft over a girl's clitoris. I don't think of myself as a "hairy sex worker", but I suppose I am- it's weird to me that hair is a fetish, not the norm.

At the same time, I'm a big believer in body modifications. I guess what always concerns me is the idea that people are changing their bodies, not out a conscious desire to claim their body, but rather to blend in, to not be treated with disgust by a lover. Is it coincidence that Debby Herbenick's studies on sexually acitve women and pubic hair show that women receiving oral sex or not in monogamous relationships are far more likely to remove their hair? I don't think so. I remember when a lover told me my pubic area smelled "weird"- later I discovered it was because I was ovulating. I never let him go down on me again. It was incredibly upsetting, and, years later, I still worry about it.

Whether you shave it off, trim it neatly or let it run wild and thick, reflect on why- is it for a partner? For you? Or for society?

Review: Wilde G1

2012-01-03T00:34:00.000-08:00

A nicely curved cock is a good thing to have around. I have a lot of dildos around, but most of them have straight shafts, so when I saw the Wilde G1 at SheVibe, I knew I wanted to give it a go! How could I not when it's named after my favourite dandy?

At 6.5" by 1.5", this is a good size for harness play, though keep in mind that fatter lovers will subtract an inch or so on the length. I still found this to be a workable dildo for strapping it on! The gentle curve is perfect for either prostate play or g-spot stimulation. The silicone is firm, with just a little give to make it very pleasant to use. The Wilde has a little bit of texture to it- undulations that offer a delicious sensation when rubbing inside you.

One thing I really liked about the Wilde G1 was the beautiful colour- this grayish dark lavender swirly pearlized pattern looks really unique and sexy. It's not super feminine, but not black or boring, either. There's also a chamber in the base for you to slip a vibrating bullet inside, if you're so inclined- if you put a little lube or cornstarch powder on the bullet before inserting it in, you can slide it out more easily later, so don't forget! Of course, with silicone, make sure not to use silicone lube and remember that you can boil your toy or put it in the top shelf of the dishwasher to keep it sterile.

Thank you Shevibe for sending me the Wilde G1 to play with- check out their various quality g-spot and p-spot toys! Also, they have a toy I have drooled over for a long time... a tentacle dildo. It's my birthday on Sunday, by the way...

Bring on 2012

2012-01-01T23:27:00.000-08:00

Today has been a day of relaxing, spending time with my girlfriend and her kids, reading a story to my boyfriend and having dinner/editing time with my ex. It's the perfect beginning to a year that ended kind of in stress and chaos- feeling loved and relatively serene with people I care about.

So I've thought a bit about my goals for next year, and here they are:

-Try to quit smoking and move fully to electronic cigarettes
-Get my divorce finalized
-Create a new website and have a banner created
-Learn to balance personal self-care with political activism
-Learn to love without fear
-Launch Andro Aperture and start soliciting guest posts
-Present Safe/Ward in 3 new cities
-Start moving my stuff from the UK to the US

It's not wild or crazy, and it's a lot of practical sounding stuff. But there's a lot of baggage with each of these things, a lot of learning to let go and trust that I can make it through the shit into flowering. I've been working really hard, and I've noticed how much I've accomplished in the last 4 months. At the same time, I need to make sure I'm giving myself the care I need to not burn out.

2012, I'm ready for you. I'm ready to embrace te chaos and trust in my totem, the Fool. It's been a windy and maddening road, but I am just getting started.

Resolved: 2011

2011-12-31T15:55:00.000-08:00

I always love NYE as a chance to reflect on my last year, and what I want for the next year- I think rather than mash this year with my hopes for next year, there'll be two posts, one to say goodbye to 2011, one to say hello to 2012.

Last year my resolutions were as follows:

-Create a website for Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society to take it the next step
Didn't get that done quite yet, but it's part of a larger step for this blog and my website. :)

-Create some proposals for classes I could teach- perhaps on sex party etiquette?
Did this and then some! I taught with Maggie at Feelmore510, co-created Safe/Ward, started presenting it both here and in Boston along with sharing our notes so people could similarly present it, presented at Arse Elektronika, and have been accepted to speak at Momentum and SXSW- think I did well on this one!

-Cut out bad energy in my life- I've started, but should keep this up. And don't try to contact them in moments of weakness!
I did this really well, and I'm proud. I wrote a massive piece about my ill-fated relationship with a client, and I feel I've purged it pretty well now. I have also finally given up on my high school friend who has refused to talk to me due to some perceived slight.

-Cut down on cigarettes and move to an electronic cigarette- try to have this fully transitioned by 2012.
I've cut down, but hadn't bought a proper electronic cigarette- UNTIL NOW! Very proud of myself. I have finally bought a gorgeous custom(!) electronic that I'll be excited to show off, with flavours that will make me reach for that instead.

-Do a queer porn- possibly in London- and maybe submit one to the Good Vibes Film Fest.
I shot with CrashPad this year, along with shooting with Penny at Pampered Penny, and Maxine Holloway for a film for GV, though that met a sad fate. I feel I did pretty well on this, with more to come next year.

-Try to get at least three things published in print.
Oh god yes. I wrote two pieces for Filament, wrote a piece for an erotic anthology that was accepted, and just finished a ghostwritten chapter for a book. Very happy about that!

-Sort out a place to live, whether in the UK or US, and stay there.
I settled into grandma's for the time being while I sort out my divorce, and I feel good about that decision. Staying in one place has allowed me to make some roots and develop a name for myself, which has been amazing for my growth. I'm a lot happier now that I've settled in.

-Visit at least one new place in Europe.
I didn't actually get to do this. Ah well. Makes sense since I spent half the year here in SF!

-Repair friendships that have been banged up a bit.
I feel like this is something I also did ok on. I've starting to reconnect with friends who mean a lot to me but who I had gotten out of touch with, and that's been really nice. I missed them.

What else did I do this year?

-Was nominated again for an Erotic Award
-Finally saw the documentary "Britain's Happy Hookers" that I'm in
-Started performing as Creampie the Klown more formally
-Fought Porn Wikileaks
-Moved back to San Francisco
-Started wondering about having kids with the boy
-Went to Fourth of Juplaya
-Met and lived with Maggie and Ned Mayhem
-Interned at Cleis Press
-Started working on Andro Aperture
-Became a brony thanks to the boy
-Baked cupcakes and made tear gas masks for Occupy Oakland
-Started dating Penny
-Introduced the boy to my parents
-Joined the Sex Workers Outreach Project
-Started my divorce paperwork
-Said goodbye to my cat Meep
-Performed on stage at Masquerotica
-Stage managed December 17th, International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers
-Started to fight privilege in the SF kink scene

I think I can look back on this year and be pretty proud.

Thank you all for taking this journey with me, for asking questions and posting blogs that inspired and angered me into writing. Thank you for giving me opportunities to spread the consent culture message. Thanks for laughing and crying with me.

It's been a rough couple of days. I have never felt so glad to have a community of people around me who love me and mine, who are there to help when I (or someone I care about) need it. I'm so, so grateful.

Have a marvelous new year, and may 2012 bring about an apocalypse of the heart, leaving only truth and beauty in its wake!

SXSW/Momentum

2011-12-29T23:42:00.000-08:00

So in March, I'm going to be speaking at two different conferences, a scary proposition but an exciting one! I'm honoured and thrilled to be speaking at both SXSW and Momentum, particularly as an out sex worker. I've been working very hard to get to this point and I'm pleased to see my voice being treated as important and valuable in conversations about gender, consent, sex work and politics.

This last year has raised my confidence immensely when it comes to being in front of a microphone. I've presented at Arse Elektronika on sex work, disability and social media. I've performed on stage at Masquerotica. I've done workshops with Maggie Mayhem on consent and abuse in altsex communities, and safer sex beyond condoms. I've spoken on The Other View about consent too. Tomorrow I'm going to be on Sexploration with Monika.

It's been a pretty amazing year, and next year is starting off with a bang.

At SXSW I'm presenting something I've done before- "En/Forced Femme: Sex Workers and Social Media". It's an exploration of the way that a capitalist market seemingly insists on a particularly sex work aesthetic and attitude (passive, feminine, accommodating) and how, in practice, that seems to be expanding as social media allows sex workers to attract people interested in their brains and opinions. I think I might being up Porn WikiLeaks into this, mentioning how social media allowed this typically marginalized population to drum up support from unexpected sources (hackers, for example). I'm really looking forward to fine tuning this and making it have some serious impact, and who better to talk about this with than a large group of geeks?

At Momentum I'm going to be busy! I'm doing the Safe/Ward presentation with Maggie, a panel about publishing, writing, and new media, and on another panel about issues of victim silencing and abuse in sex positive communities. I'm really excited to be among so many fabulous intelligent people, and I can't wait to connect with them all.

Of course, I'm still a writer, getting paid via gigonomics, and therefore could use financial support in making this happen. It won't take a lot, as I've been saving my pennies, but the more help I get the more of this I can do. I presented Safe/Ward in Boston, for example, and am looking into presenting it in Austin while there for SXSW. Maggie and I are not getting our flights or hotel paid for, so I'm asking you guys to maybe pitch a bit our way, or come to our fundraiser Jan 24th at the Center for Sex and Culture for an overview of Safe/Ward, raffles, performances, and other surprises.

Please help me travel to spread this and enable communities to fight entitlement culture!

Guest Review: Tenga 3D Polygon

2011-12-28T22:10:00.000-08:00

So I get lots of toys to review, and sometimes they're just not something i can review- thankfully, the boy is happy to pick up where I have to leave off!

That was the case with this review, a Tenga 3D Polygon from Babeland. I'll let him tell you in his own words how he liked it.

My honey Kitty is just the sweetest, isn’t she? I love it when a care package arrives from her and it contains both some My Little Pony toys and some masturbators for me to try out. What a doll!

My latest little present from Kitty was the Tenga 3D ‘Polygon’, part of Tenga’s ‘3D’ range of reversible masturbators. Tenga masturbators have a soft, pliable texture that feels great against the penis: not too taught when stretched over it and not too soft that you can’t feel the patterned interiors.

However, as someone who actively sells these to customers, I usually give the same disclaimer: they don’t last too long and the regular Tenga masturbators are near impossible to clean properly. Believe me, I tried cleaning up a Tenga Air Cup sleeve for a second round, but ended up with a bit of a wet mess on my hands. Regardless, that’s another story. Tenga’s 3D range aim to correct this oversight by ditching the hard plastic exteriors, allowing one to turn these things inside out for cleaning and maintenance purposes.

The toys actually come packaged ‘inside out’: with the surface that you’ll have against the skin of your cock facing outwards (“the details that create the outside design become the stimulating interior details,” as the included instructions put it). This allows you to immediately see exactly what kind of texture you’ll be getting, unlike with the differently-textured Tenga eggs, which are a bit of a guessing game unless the store you get them from has a handy guide or legend.

A second benefit is that this makes the Tenga 3D range ‘stealth’ toys: stored the way they come, they look like little, white, innocuous curios and so could easily be kept on your bedside cabinet without arousing suspicion. Tenga most definitely do not do ‘anatomically correct’ toys, so look elsewhere if that is your bag.

Each toy comes packaged with a single packet of water-based lubricant, but any water-based lubricant can substitute. I’ve used it with Liquid Silk a few times now to no ill effects either to the product or myself. When using, one has to flip the whole thing inside out and then apply the lube to the inside, making sure to get some around the entrance hole especially, for easy insertion.

Special care should be taken when inserting, as the very end of the hole is a bit tight and may cause some discomfort for penises with a foreskin, but ultimately is no more difficult or uncomfortable than inserting an uncut penis into anything similar, so uncut boys should be able to navigate it easily. One must also resist the urge to flip it directly onto the penis. I did try this and quickly regretted it. Flip it inside out first, then slide it over the penis.

Once on, the whole thing is then gripped and one masturbates with it as normal. The ridged pattern is soft and is barely noticeable when the toy is static against the penis, but one can definitely feel the extremities slide against the shaft when in motion, creating a pleasurable, textured sensation.

The soft, almost sponge-y material (Antibacterial Elastomer!) quickly won me over as it provides a much softer sensation than a hand can provide. The sleeve as a whole also neatly covers the whole of the shaft, creating equal sensation all over, which again is something a hand on its own cannot do (personally, I find I end up gripping too hard in one area and hardly touching myself at all in another; accursed fingers!).

As a result, my Tenga 3D has quickly become my go-to masturbation-toy of choice. I’ve even found it helps me achieve orgasm quicker than when I’m left to my own devices (results may vary). The toy is also not porous to ejaculate, so you won’t find cum seeping through it and onto your bedsheets, laptop, etc. (hooray for a clean wank! No more embarrassing stains on the bedclothes!)

With the old style Tenga toys, orgasm would pretty much be the end of the game, as there was never really an easy way to clean those things for reuse, but with this, the whole thing slips off and onto a neat little tray that comes packaged with it, specifically for keeping it off of any surfaces while one gets up and prepares to clean it.

Cleaning is as simple as running both sides under running water and cleaning by hand: simple as anything. Remember to dry it each time too, as otherwise it might still have cool water from the last wash inside it when next you come to it. Since this is designed as a reusable sleeve unlike many of Tenga’s previous efforts, it’s good to get into the habit of taking care of it. The enclosed instructions claim that toys in the 3D range are good for approximately fifty uses (but “may vary according to methods of use[!]”), which puts them well-above the expected shelf life of the regular Tenga toys.

So to summarise: I’m sold. The Tenga 3D toys make wanking a hell of a lot more fun, its sensations and texture providing a marked improvement over nature and it may rapidly become something you grab whenever you feel like jacking off. They’re clean (bonus!) and honestly pretty neat-looking too. There’s a range of different designs to choose from, but judging from the Polygon I imagine the differences to be largely cosmetic and the differences in sensation minor.

So there you have it- the Tenga 3D is a hit. And how cute is it that he wanked to the puppyplay video we shot for Padded Kink? Awwww!

Thank you Babeland for sending us the Tenga 3D Polygon in exchange for an honest review!

Christmastime

2011-12-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted for a few days thanks to the holiday madness- madness that somehow increases even though I don't have any family members around for Christmas, and haven't for years. Maybe that's why- instead of one big family gathering, I have multiple chosen family get-togethers I go to annually instead!

And god was my calendar packed. There was Santacon, and the Christmas Revels, and Whobilation, and Dickens Fair. December 17th was a massive event and it went off really well, which made me really proud (I was even interviewed about it!).

Never mind the craziness of the holidays proper- Christmas Eve spent with my girlfriend, her family, and my friends, watching fire spinning and noshing on homemade Mexican food to Xmas tunes, and Christmas Day spent with incredible food, lovely friends, clothing piles, and lots of champagne.

I got many nice presents, but some of the things I got that I'm happiest about aren't things. Yeah, I know, cliche, right? But it's true. Spending the holidays with people who are really close and meaningful to me was fantastic. Getting legal advice to allow me to submit my divorce documents was awesome. Getting to eat some special holiday treats from England was great, too. I'm particularly pleased at the way my boyfriend and girlfriend are getting on so well together- it makes me feel really happy and loved by them both. I'm really looking forward to January, when the three of us will be spending some time together.

Particularly exciting? I've been accepted to speak at SXSW Interactive as part of their Salon series! SXSW is a huge deal- it's for people up and coming in the world of tech, and includes some incredible minds and lectures that sound fascinating. To give you an idea, "Fixing Broke(n) Governments Through Serious Games", "Can You Tweet That? Social Media and the Law", "Empathy-Building Tools for Better Collaboration", "Is Social Media a Human Right?"- these are all talks I can go to. And mine? Mine is my presentation "Enforced Fem/me: Sex Workers and Social Media". SQUEE! I'm so blown away to be asked and really excited to be a part of it all. Best. Present. EVER.

And soon, it's New Years, and my 28th birthday. I'll be posting a review of my goals from last year and how I did on them, as I do every year. I have to say, this last year had some massive ups and massive downs, but I am feeling like I'm in a good (if busy!) place right now. Lots of paid writing gigs- lots of performance opportunities- and lots of love.

Bring on 2012. I'm ready for the apocalypse.

Review: Pink Candy Collar and Cuffs

2011-12-28T00:25:00.000-08:00

Aslan Leather makes some beautiful harnesses, like the Cherry Minx I was lucky enough to review earlier- so I was curious about their cuffs and collars. How could I resist the sweetness that is the pink candy collar and cuffs? Especially when modeled by my girlfriend Penny, who accompanied me to a holiday party as a sugarplum fairy?

The pink candy collar and cuffs are both made with white and pink leather on the outside and lined with white vegan leather. The cuffs and the collar are 2" wide, making them reasonable for heavier bondage- the collar has a triangle ring and an o ring, while the cuffs have a d-ring each. I particularly like the white stitching against the pink! It's a lovely detail.

The collar fits a 12.5" neck up to 16", and the cuffs fit from 6-8", making them adjustable for men and women alike. We found these to be pretty soft and comfortable, both for a bit of bondage and for sexyfuntimes- they're really well constructed. Also notable is that these are all equipped with lockable buckles, making them a possibility for enforced bondage- Aslan also sells locks if you want to use them.

I really got off on seeing Penny cuffed and collared at my feet as she massaged me through my stockings! I can imagine they'll come out for other playtimes. Maybe I'll pull them out to help my boyfriend get more in touch with his femme side when he comes to visit. And personally, I like the idea of using these for ageplay bondage- the colours make them look innocent and cute. They also come in a pretty light blue if that's more your style.

Thank you Aslan Leather for sending me the pink candy cuffs and collar set in exchange for an honest and fair review!

Perverts and Privilege in San Francisco

2011-12-21T02:45:00.000-08:00

So I've been aware for a while about how the SF area, while declaring themselves to be sex positive, absolutely resent being told that their party themes reflect their privilege. The "Pimps and Hos" party at one space was a good example, with the Sex Workers Outreach Project suggesting the venue donate to a sex worker rights org or even change the tagline to "Hos up, Pimps down"- what a great way to fuck with an established misogynistic anti-sex work theme, right? But no, the venue wanted nothing to do with it.

I see this a lot- venues and event organizers looking the other way, claiming ignorance, but without wanting to fix it through education and awareness.

Well, yesterday, it went a step further, with local club Bondage-a-Go-Go.

Every year for 5 years, they've held a "White Trash Luau" around Christmastime:

On Wednesday the 21st, we revel in all that is cherished in Low-brow culture. Domestic beer. Bad Teeth. Cage Fighters & Teen Moms. This is the one night at BGG that you can bust out your bowling shirt, sweats and dress for (a complete lack of) success!
You can enjoy a (non) gourmet buffet of hot dogs, macaroni and cheese & jello from 11 – 12, then find a place close to the stage for the Gothic Bikini Contest at Midnight!

I went and looked through the old announcements for these, and sure enough, no one said anything against this theme before. It's all a bit of fun, right?

But this time, a conversation was started about the privilege and racism implicit in such a theme. Several commenters said that this theme and language was not particularly inclusive, and that it made POC feel pretty wary about going to BaGG at all. Note that every POC on the thread said they felt it was offensive and uncomfortable. Other BaGGsters then responded defensively, going for the "you're being too sensitive!", "don't you have better things to be upset about", and "you just enjoy being offended!"derailing for dummies triple play. With a garnish of "I know someone from that group who disagrees" on top, like a ripe cherry. Here was a great response:

Also: This is not the only event in the Bay Area with "White Trash" in the name. Campaigning against other events because of unrest due to the titles will not result in all of them being changed. It's just not possible.

Cause why challenge these things, right? Why say when you're offended? I mean, the kinky community does this shit all the time! Which might be why we don't tend to see a lot of politically conscious people (or POC esp) at these parties. Hmm. Ya think? And it's also worth noting that most of the people saying that "overly PC people are killing the FUN" were... oh, right. White, cisgendered, straight men. Fancy that!

I know this is a crazy thing to say, but- YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE IF SOMETHING IS RACIST. As Amber Hazard said so well on her tumblr-

When an oppressed individual says “that’s racist/cissupremacist/heterofascist/misogynistic etc.”
…they are not inviting you to start a debate. They are saying “what you are saying/doing is oppressing me/others,” and if you can’t just listen and respect that and acknowledge that they’re the best person in the world to gauge how oppressed they feel by your actions/statements… well, then you’re just an asshole.

it's a bit like this

Anyway, I suggested the "How Not to Act Like a Doofus When Accused of Racism" post, along with reminding people of the actual history of the term "poor white trash"- a history that is very much enmeshed with racism and classism. Considering we're living in a culture wherein half of all Americans are currently living and growing up within low income circumstances, it seems like it'd be a good time to rethink our willingness to talk shit about poor people. Finally I referenced an essay on racist jokes, which also relates very much to classist jokes. White trash, as a phrase, makes not only some of the people I know who grew up in poor rural environments feel uncomfortable and awkward, but most of the POC I know. Sounds, then, to me like it's worth reflecting pretty seriously on.

It was lively argument, for sure. One of the venue organizers originally fanned the flames and told people to quit bitching, then thought better of it and apologized, suggesting people take their complaints to the event organizer. The original poster who made the first complaint said this:

To the powers that be at BAGG: Please just apologize. We've had a lot of fun at BAGG over the years, and we'd like to be able to have fun there again knowing that our community values who we are as much as we value our community. I know most people who go to BAGG have no bad intentions, but this really hurts the level of comfort and safety for a lot more people than will ever speak up about it. PLEASE just acknowledge that there has been an accident/incident, that perhaps the concept and wording of the event needs to be revisited and perhaps revised, and apologize.

Seems pretty reasonable, right? It's not super angry or militant. It's pretty friendly. And a lot of people who go to BaGG agreed.

People did talk to the organizer, and originally, the response was compassionate, aware, apologetic and appropriate. I was feeling really pleased that maybe, just maybe, the SF kink scene was ready to explore its own racist, classist, sexist tendencies and we could move forward into a more actually sex positive space. I was happy to see an event organizer take action and agree to educate themselves.

I obviously was out of my mind, because post apology, this was the "replacement" event listing:

Please join your Freak Family for a polite gathering of the gender neutral “People of the World!

Dress code is "Caucasian Casual" ** this one night only. T-shirts, flip-flops, sweats, white tennis shoes, Ambercrombie & Fitch, turquoise eye-shadow, – make it absolutely Hideous!

"Caucasian Casual" applies to all Persons of color

Take a picture with the Holiday Neutral Character “Satan Claws” from 10 – 11.

Feast on our hot dog/macaroni & cheese buffet from 11-12. Nice and bland!

Sexy Sweater contest. $100 for the most alluring Holiday sweater (no pants or skirt – contestants just wear shoes & a sweater). All genders are allowed to compete (though this is really an exhibition, not a contest because we are all winners!).

When you are done with the vanilla, strip down to the dungeon, dance til 2:30 and show your true colors!

I am Bondage A Go Go & I approved this message.

Wednesday Nights
21 and up, you little Slut! (ID required)

All I can do is shake my head. It's really sad to see that the SF kink community, including many people I consider(ed) friends, feel that people speaking up against oppressive behaviour should be tagged as being whiners who are ruining things rather than respected as having the guts to speak up. What really upset me is that one of the people who apologized really well and then pulled a "haha fuck you suckas" move is someone who runs events at Kink.com, and who is considered a "pillar of the community". But then, of course he is. Aren't they usually?

Every year I feel less like I can ethically be a part of this "sex positive" community. I feel incredibly disgusted and betrayed by the response to this situation, more so because they pretended they were invested in thinking critically about these issues, and then turned out to be liars.

I don't think SF is sex positive. I think that some places in SF strive towards being more sex positive, but until complaints are treated publicly with the respect they deserve, and men are objectified as women are objectified, and images of POC, fat, and genderqueer people are on the walls of accessible kinky venues... well, then we're still striving towards sex positivity. We're not there yet. The sooner we admit that, the sooner we can actually do something about it. And I hope we do.

Note: The community organizer I mention said his comment was not meant in response to the event but someone else's comment. He said he didn't see himself as a pillar of the community, and I responded:

"You are a pillar of the community. I don't know that it's something people get elected to, but you're present at most kink related events in this area. As such I would love to talk to you more about entitlement culture and consent issues within the kink community here, as yes, if this is indeed something you care about, you would make a fantastic and influential ally."

We'll see what happens. Maybe striving towards a more representative, positive kink scene does matter.

Pleasurists #160

2011-12-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

Whitney Bee 1 by barelight

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 159? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 161? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday December 25th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

Naughty for Christmas Giveaway Deadline: December 21st @ 12:01am Eastern.
RodeoH Giveaway Deadline: December 22nd.
Win a Luxury Sex Toy Every Day with the Lovehoney Advent Calendar! Deadline: Daily winner until December 24th.
Holiday Vibrator Giveaway Deadline: December 25th.
Tingle Me Giveaway Deadline: December 29th.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Anal Toys

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders by Mistress Kay

Adult DVDs & Porn

Lingerie

Miscellaneous

Holiday Hos: Bid on my Auction, Get Signed Unique Prints!

2011-12-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

I am auctioning off 3 holiday-themed signed prints of myself- winner picks theme!

Every year for several years now, I've done a holiday themed photo shoot at Christmas- the listing photo is from last year's shoot. It's about that time this year, but I wanted to do things a little... differently, this time.

I'm going to a March conference on feminism and sexuality in DC, Momentum, and I'm looking to raise some money to fly out there for my talk on consent in altsex. Important issue is Important!

So this year, I'm offering the winner of this flash auction the ability to choose from three themes- sexy Santa pinup (eggnog splosh optional), a switchy sugarplum fairy, or a saucy slutty snowflake. You can also choose soft- or hardcore. I will sign 3 8.5x11 prints from that shoot to the name/s of your choice and put it in the mail fresh from the shoot! These 3 images will be private to you exclusively- no one else will ever see them. It will be a solo shoot with a high quality lens done by a professional photographer.

In order to pick your theme, you MUST let me know which one you want by NOON Friday Dec 23rd! Otherwise I will choose for you.

The money raised from this will go directly to flying me out to Momentum- so you get some sexy curvy girl porn, I get to raise issues around consent and altsex, everyone wins! You'll be funding good work.

Help me get to Momentum while wanking to images of me covered in eggnog (among other possibilities).

If you live in another country from the US, we can discuss a situation where another account bids on your behalf, and you pay me via paypal instead. ;)

My Top Twenty People/Organizations of 2011

2011-12-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the inimitable Lori from Rarely Wears Lipstick, I thought about having a "top ten women" list. But then I thought "I want to include some guys", and then I thought "I also want to include genderqueers", so had to scrap it. And then ten didn't seem like enough. So WHATEVER, RULES, I'll gonna give you twenty(!) people and organizations I think deserve a little extra love this year, because they helped move me forward and upward.

They are in no particular order (seriously, I ran them through a random generator).

1. Sex Worker Open University
I love these guys so much. Seriously. I was crushed to not make it to their event! They're a dedicated group of sex workers and allies who create events/skillshares that work to show a better spectrum of sex work experience. Inspirational.

2. Momentum
This feminism and sexuality conference is something I'm really, really excited for. Run by the people who brought you the NYC Sex Bloggers calendar, they've gone out of their way to address the concerns of sex workers, including having a liaison just for that, which I think is amazing.

3. Vixen Creations
Every time I have needed to do a fundraiser or raise awareness about a topic, from consent to sex worker rights, Vixen has been happy to donate whatever I need. I'm very grateful to their support in helping me do the work I do!

4. Maggie Mayhem
This woman is epic. She's such a generous lovely person, and fiercely inspirational. It's really thanks to her that such a rocket got lit under my ass to talk about consent issues in the altsex community, and when I needed a place to stay, she let me in without even having met me. She's smart as hell, politically pervy, and a force of nature. I consider her a dear friend now. <3

5. Patrasha and the Bay Area Sex Workers Outreach Project
SWOP saved my life. I was really struggling being back in the Bay Area, not knowing what to do for work, how to meet people, what to do. SWOP structured me, gave me some focus and purpose. Patrasha got me to the meetings, so I owe her majorly. Community is invaluable.

6. Jiz Lee
Jiz is just amazing. I like their Karma Pervs work especially- porn for charity? Yes please! Never mind that they're an amazing performer who breaks the barriers of mainstream and queer porn, which I'm a big fan of.

7. Maxine Holloway at Feminist Porn Net
Maxine is someone I admired from afar. Then I got to know her a bit and realized that she's just an amazing person all around. I'd hate her for being smart, pretty and a lovely woman, but... she's so talented and sweet that I just can't. She does a lot of great work around feminist porn.

8. Lola Sparkle and Mutiny
Lola Sparkle works on a lot of awesome projects, including and especially Mutiny, which is like a mixture of an academic discussion and a cabaret. She's tireless about her work around sex worker rights, queer activism, and anti-racist efforts, among other things. Somehow she also manages time to be a great friend.

9. Katie at One Hot Crumpet
Ok, so this is a conflict of interest in a way, but then, it's my list! I kinda helped name "One Hot Crumpet", and Katie's been doing some great writing over there. She's on this list for multiple nights of late night support, being incredibly compassionate about nonmonogamy issues, and for being a lot of fun to top.

10. Alex Dymock
Really, I have a love affair with Alex's red hair and the way she twists it around her finger when she really gets into a topic with you. She's got a bit of a blog (and I hope there'll be more soon!) called Abject Intimacies, where she discusses and deconstructs sex, disgust and the law. Talking to her will explode your brain, in a good way.

11. Slim (@sfslim)
Slim is a guy who has privilege and tries his damnedest to use it to raise awareness. I have a lot of mad respect for him. He's a maker, a shaker, a traveler and a Burner. Plus he makes a really funny Cockney. Follow his twitter and marvel at all the cool links.

12. Angie
She's an artist, a brilliant cook, a breema specialist, and one of my best friends. She's an amazing woman who kicks life's ass, all the time. She's given me great advice on relationship stuff, baked cupcakes for Occupy Oakland, and is just always there to lend a hand and an ear. Even if she borrows all my costume stuff. ;)

13. BattyKitten
BattyKitten is just a fabulous woman who has the biggest heart. She's also an incredible costume designer- whenever I see her I'm soooo jealous of her stuff! She thankfully has an etsy store now so I can try to capture a bit of her glory.

14. Power Breakfasts
This is a secret group out in London who were a major support for me in so many ways. They were the first to show me that I could have a community where I felt totally supported and safe, and I didn't have to fight all the time. So much love.

15. Mission Control
So I'm totally a cult member. So what? I love the parties at Mission Control, love that they're striving to be better about representation and reflection, love that they listen when someone says "this person is an issue" and don't accuse you of starting drama or "making a fuss". It's another place I feel safe, and they're pretty few and far between.

16. Center for Sex and Culture
They've hosted the Safe/Word workshop, along with multiple other events that are sometimes challenging on the topics they cover. It's a community center that's really for the community. The CSC is one of those resources I consider myself quite lucky to have.

17. Labcoats and Lingerie
Fantastic blog run by two great writers. Every post on here makes me sit back and go "huh", which is awesome. Expect to be exposed to issues around kink, dis/ability, gender, nonmonogamy, and social issues. Yum yum yum.

18. Kink Academy
When I came across this site I was like "WHY HAVE I NOT SEEN THIS BEFORE". It's an online resource for workshops by various community presenters on everything under the sun, some of which are free. I'd subscribe, though, so I can have access to the more intermediate and advanced topics.

19. Jay Wiseman
Jay has been a big supporter of Maggie and I with our Safe/Ward and consent culture work- he helped me feel confident that I was doing good and important work, and that gave me the energy to keep it up. He's also been a good friend and really helpful with advice.

20. My Mom
My mom deserves special mention here. She has been massively supportive and understanding about issues that most parents couldn't even imagine talking to their kids about. I'm grateful to her for supporting my work, sending me links to job possibilities, and being a fabulous cheerleader, even if what I do is a bit... unusual. I love you, Mom.

The Arrogance of (some) Male Dominants: or, Why I Don't Submit

2011-12-17T00:10:00.000-08:00

I love meeting new people via social media. I like the way that the internet connects me with tons of folks from all walks of life that I may never meet in person- I get exposed to all sorts of ideas and theory and politics and I devour it.

But there is one type of person I could really do without.

Arrogant male dominants.

Oh my god, could I do without them. In fact, I would go to more kinky events if I wasn't completely convinced that I would run, multiple times, into one or another of this breed- the swaggering "Master" type who has MULTIPLE YEARS EXPERIENCE!@#!@ and therefore most certainly know more about what being a dominant means than a whippersnapper like me. Extra points if more than a year of that experience was cybersex with a kink element online.

Or there's the other kind, the one who's quite smug that as a woman, I can't be a dominant. Maybe, just maybe, I could be a switch, but of course if I met the right dominant man I would straighten up and fly right. Oh, and of course I'm not REALLY queer. Again, if I met the right man I would know my proper place. It's biology, innit?

Generally guys like this are not in my world. I avoid them in person- if I can't, then my pretty obvious annoyance/repulsion makes it clear that they should bark up some other tree. I find these men are often like petri dish grown molds, destined to pop up when cissexism, heterosexism and patriarchy reign unchallenged. And personally? I'm allergic.

But on the internet, the Twue Male Doms crawl out of the wordwork (see what I did there?). There's no escaping them. They're sniffing around my Facebook. They're all up in my Fetlife. They're following me on Twitter. And they don't seem to understand that no, I am not a submissive, I am not into men, and I'm not changing my mind for them. Some male dominants are polite when they ask me to play, and I explain, and they're really pleasant about it, it's no biggie when I decline.

Others throw a weird sort of tantrum.

Maybe they think I look like a challenge, because I sometimes post photos of me bound or gagged. Maybe they think they're impressive catches and I should be grateful for their attention. Maybe they don't realize they come off as massive asshats. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt after all.

Today, for example, I had one who started off innocently enough, joking about my Twitter bio, where I say I generally follow people back who talk to me about something other than my tits. Cool, I don't mind a little good-natured larking about, right? He asked me what I liked talking about, like, for example, being tied up/gagged (thanks to my profile image, which has me peeling duct tape off my lips, a commentary on the Facebook censorship thing earlier in the week). I politely corrected him that actually, *I* was the one who did the tying, and anyway, I wasn't that into rope. I was a little annoyed that he'd make assumptions, but I get it.

That's when I discovered he was another one of those dickish male doms. Or at least he acted like one... and when I tried to get him to stop, nope, he just kept on going.

First, he questioned my skill. He's never met me. As far as I know, he knows nothing about me besides what he's learned on Twitter, which is not much. Strike one. Then, he says that you "know a dominatrix/dominant by their rope work". Uh, no. You don't need to be into rope bondage to be a Dom/me. Strike two. Then, he attempts to hit on me, saying that he subspaces for a dominatrix who can handle him- like I care? Strike three.

Kitty's not pleased.

I told him that I don't like being called a dominatrix and that I dislike the suggestion that all dominant women are pros... and he argued with me about it. I said that I used to not care much about bondage cause I stayed where I was told, because I was into service submission, and as a top I prefer duct tape and cling film. He just fixated on the fact I used to be a submissive and then said he was disappointed in me cause he had tried to be friends!

I just had to roll my eyes and say "thanks for the blog fodder"- because it's so stereotypical it's frustrating. I'm pissed off that he would assume that I was a submissive even after saying I don't ID that way. Why is it that so many male doms feel they are justified in treating female dominants like uppity submissives? Why do they struggle so much when asked not to do something? Why oh why do they feel the need to add to the stereotype that many male dominants are self-obsessed Gor-like knobs with their heads in their asses? I don't WANT to have my squick proven true over and over again! But they let down the side.

The way that people like this guy behave make me actively feel unsafe in my local community. It's certainly part of why I don't submit anymore- I just had too many experiences where the male doms I played with were not interested in an exchange so much as a give/take relationship. I gave, they took. So I quit submitting. I even turned away from kink for a while because I didn't want to deal with it. In London, at a club for female dominants and their submissives, I blossomed, grew confident, grew angry that I had been tricked for so long into doubting my true desires. Because guys like this surrounded me- guys who seemed to feel that all I needed was the right guy to fix me. And I was stupid enough to fall for it.

It bothers me particularly when I think about Safe/Ward and the Consent Culture project. Why? Because my limits are obviously not valuable. My identifications are not respected. What the hell kind of consent culture is this when even simple things politely requested are ignored, and the person ignoring them feels the right to call me a bully for speaking out about it?

Look, male dominants reading this, if there are any. I want to like you. I want you to be my ally in making people feel safe and respected in the kinky world, I want to see you fighting sexism, racism, homophobia, cissexism, ableism in our sex spaces... right alongside me. So please, if I say I'm a dominant woman, trust me- and don't take it as an invitation to challenge me to top you. It makes you look like a twat.

Interviewed at The Woman's POV!

2011-12-16T13:24:00.000-08:00

I have an interview with the gorgeous, totally crushable Maxine Holloway up over at The Woman's POV! Lucky me. :)

Here's a taste:

What is Kitty Stryker’s biggest sexual fantasy right now?

Hee! I have some odd ones. Right now I have a fantasy about dressing like a human version of Pinkie Pie from “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic”, listening to pony dubstep while giggling and bouncing around a tied up, scared submissive; I imagine mascara running down their cheeks as I torment them and pleasure them in turns. But then, I generally enjoy klown sex. My brain is a strange, strange place!

Yeah, you know you want to read more. And if you join, you get to see some dirty pictures of me too!

Trojan's TV Ads, and Sex Toys for Couples

2011-12-16T00:08:00.000-08:00

I've been watching TV a bit while blogging (usually CSI, actually) and I normally don't pay a whole lot of attention. I just like background noise. But recently, I've been fascinated by a particular ad- TV ads for Trojan's Twister vibrator, which has aired both during the school day and late at night. Here's the ad:

Now, I've seen an increase in ads for, say, lubricant and condoms, on TV, and that's been cool. It's nice to see something as important as safer sex products being advertised as a positive sexy thing that can bring extra oomph to a couple's sex life. But the thing with condoms is that there's a health, element, right, and you can argue that's true for lube too. They're sexual necessities.

This ad feels a little different, despite the women being feminine. First off, the two women talking about the toy are doing so in the street. They're not ashamed. It's not a back alley sex toy store, it's a suburban neighborhood. The woman who bought the toy is in fact thrilled to get it in her mailbox and can't wait to tell her friend about it, rather than guiltily opening it in private from a discreet package. That seems kind of cool, actually.

My boyfriend is rather fond of sex toys.

Secondly, the two women discussing the toy are not talking about how amazing it'll be for their (assumed) male partners. There's no implied or overt concern that bringing a vibrator into the bedroom will scare a partner off, but rather, that it'll be a fun thing to use for their own pleasure. In 2011, this should not seem subversive, but I feel like in the fairly restrictive, enforced heteronormativity US, it's a big step.

Thirdly, and best of all in my opinion, is when their neighbors, a couple, walk up hand in hand. The two women are discussing how the vibe will "blow your hair back", and, when asked how they are, the couple turn to look at each other happily, saying how they couldn't be better. This move, of course, shows their hair blown back, suggesting that this couple has this toy and yes, indeed, it works pretty well. Again, on the surface, cute, but what is it saying below the surface?

My reading of this ad was that both members of the couple had enjoyed the benefits of this vibrator, which is, btw, not a vibrating cock ring, but a phallic shaped object made mainly for clitoral and vaginal stimulation. But his hair is blown back too, suggesting that just maybe he's gotten to try it out himself. The idea of men using vibrators is still novel to some, so to see it legitimized on TV is kind of awesome.

Not only that, but there's the assumption that they've used it together, as a couple, and it's been super sexy and fun- and that's accepted with a wink wink nudge nudge. He's not threatened by it, they're not worried about it, they just like having a vibrator as part of their sex life.

That's really, really cool, in a world where women still ask, concerned, that their partner might feel intimidated by such a toy, or that having one means that they (or their partner) is a massive sex addict, or that sex toys will ruin their sex lives for anything not involving a toy.

Maybe we are moving forward- one happy vibrated clitoris (or glans) at a time!

Review: Crystal Kiss Small Red Swirl Plug

2011-12-15T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've been such a nice girl in all the naughtiest ways this year, so Crystal Delights let me choose something from their site. For the holidays, I just had to pick the Crystal Kiss Shall Red Swirl Plug- it's like a bejeweled peppermint candy for your bum!

First, I love the wrapping. This plug comes nestled in a padded pouch, perfect for storing and presenting to a lover. Mine was black, with a ribbon closure- you wrap the pouch around the toy and then tie it together to keep it safe.

There's no identifying marks or tags on the bag to suggest that it's for sex toys, so for discreet storage this is quite nice really! I can imagine having it in your lingerie drawer and no one really noticing it- it'd fit right in!

As you can see, this plug is clear with a really pretty red swirl throughout it. It's super smooth and feels as beautiful as it looks. It's not a massive toy, with 2.7" insertable length and 1.4" at the widest point, but it's got a shape that'll keep it right where you want it- nestled between your cheeks! And I love the way that glass, like metal, weighs a bit, giving a nice pressure that feels really, really good.

Another fun thing with glass is that you can warm it up or cool it down, making it into a fun sensation toy. I kind of like slipping it in as is, cold at first but warming up quickly to the heat of my body. Experimenting with temperature is fun!

And of course, you don't have to use it internally to use it as a sensation toy. I've used glass toys as ice that'll never melt before, too. You can get creative.

But the real delight for this toy comes from the sparkly crystal on the end- a Red Magma Swarovski crystal, to be precise! I love butt plugs that have crystals in the end, because it makes me feel pretty and femme.

For cleaning this, use soap and water, a toy cleaner, or wipe it down with a bit of peroxide or a 10% bleach solution. While normally boiling glass or putting it in the dishwasher isn't an issue, you probably don't want to do that with this toy as it might jeopardize the crystal. Just be sure to put the toy back in the bag when you've cleaned it, so it doesn't get nicked or scratched!

Thank you so much Crystal Delights for sending me the Crystal Kiss Swirl Plug to review! It's the perfect holiday treat.

Minor Musings on Butch/Femme/Andro Dynamics in MLP:FIM

2011-12-15T01:15:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with a friend on Facebook about butch and femme, particularly about traits often ascribed to those genders. Butches, we said, often refer to themselves as honest and loyal.

Which of course led me to think about the queerness of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, in which the pegasus Rainbow Dash, a competitive jock type, is often considered the butch. It's partially just due to her rainbow hair, though her spiritedness, sportiness, and rashness add to the tomboy impression. What's her element? Oh yeah- loyalty. Funny, that.

But then, thinking further on this, the most high femme MLP would be Rarity, a fashion designer pony with immaculate curls who loves sparkly things. She's a little vain, sure, but she's also self employed, hardworking, and fabulous. She's the element of generosity- which I found even more interesting, as femmes are often characterized as caregivers.

And yet, Rainbow Dash and Rarity infrequently seem to spend much time with each other- there's only one episode in which they interact, and it's mostly Rarity being an attention whore instead of supporting Dash... until Rarity needs rescuing with the help of Dash's superspeediness. Which creates a sonic rainboom. It's all rather beautiful really.

Rainbow Dash is mostly paired off with Pinkie Pie, as far as I can tell. Pinkie is the element of laughter, and they do practical jokes together. I see Pinkie as femme, too, but she's the casual femme who enjoys a little roughhousing and baking. She's not afraid to get dirty. This is likely why I identify with her so much.

Applejack, meanwhile, might also be a bit butch, but the soft butch to Dash's harder butchness. She is, amusingly, the element of honesty... the other most often mentioned trait for butches on dating sites and such. She and Rarity sometime struggle to get on, as their ideas of fun and cleanliness are pretty much on opposite sides of the scale.

Fluttershy is the element of kindness, and she seems like a pretty shy pegasus. I would picture her in the queer world as being the kind who's happiest to stay home and help bake cookies for fundraisers, but won't go to protests. She'd also probably be involved with animal shelter work or something equally not attention-seeking but giving to the community.

Finally, the unicorn Twilight Sparkle. This is so obviously the academic activist pony, the one who debates on panels and blogs about how all -isms are entwined but separate threads. She's in her head all the time, the one you call when you're at a protest and everyone's about to get arrested. Twi would just know what to do. I kind of picture her as somewhat androgynous, personally- the slightly awkward hipster nerd girl.

I am so obviously tired. I don't know why I'm thinking about this. Here is a piece that is incredibly well put together about why MLP: FIM is show with some mad feminist props. Or just go watch the show.

Some Excellent Gift Guides via Good Vibrations!

2011-12-14T18:56:00.000-08:00

Good Vibrations has put together some fabulous gift guides for some last minute shopping: I'm going to give you a few highlights from each!

From the Green Sex Gift Guide:

This Romp plug is just gorgeous. It's made of wood, which means this will warm beautifully to the body, and the shape means it'll be super comfortable for long term use.

The wood is a sustainably harvested exotic hardwood, and it has a hypo-allergenic coating to make this non-porous and appropriate for use with any type of lubricant.

This would make a fabulous gift for the ecosexual in your life- some people hug trees, others do a little bit more, right? The shape, too, is subtle enough that you could easily display this as art and no one would be the wiser.

I LOVE Sir Richard condoms! Love them so much!

First of all, they're the best fitting condoms on the boy that we've ever found. Ever. They have a really nice trendy package, they're thin without breaking, and they come in multiple types- textured, extra large, and classic.

But even better- for each condom sold, Sir Richard donates a condom to a developing country! And even better than that- when they make a donation, they create an entirely new brand to ensure that they're seen as culturally relevant, which has such an amazing awareness of how important marketing can be for safer sex outreach.

Perfect for the activist in your life!

From the Sexy Gifts for the Gal Who Has It All Guide:

You probably recognize this little beauty from the review I did of it a couple weeks back with the boy- man, this is a sexy toy for mutual masturbation, and it's got so many uses to keep you interested! The boy loves it quite a bit, as you'll see if you check out the review.

It's the Lyla waterproof remote controlled vibrator, and it's one hell of a present for pretty much anyone in your life. Even my mother commented on how beautifully it was presented and how nice the design was!

I'd recommend this particularly for couples who enjoy a little mutual vibration, or to use on one partner who's tied up (as both parts vibrate), or possible for use out and about at a party...?

When I saw these delicate feather cuffs, I thought they were the prettiest things. not meant for serious bondage, of course, but I could imagine them being an accessory on a service submissive at a party, or as a sensuous method to keep your lover's hands bound while you kiss and lick their skin.

They're more like bracelets than like cuffs, so keep that in mind. That said, because they've so jewelry-like, that might make them feel like a fun flirty extra to your sex life, without feeling intimidated by all the leather and chains.

I'd recommend these to people who love costume parties, romantic sexual adventuring, and those who like to see high femme accessories on their submissive lovers.

From the Sexy Queer Gift Guide:

When I heard about Doing it Ourselves- the Trans Women Porn Project I cheered. Felt like it was about time, and it had taken long enough!

It frustrates me sometimes that while transmen are being seen positively more and more often in queer porn, trans women are often still relegated to "chicks with dicks" or other horribly offensive themes. It's great to see some work being done to combat that tendency, even if they did have to do it themselves to make it happen.

This would be a great gift for anyone who enjoys good, homemade queer pornography.

Additionally, transmen of colour have been sadly lacking in material about transmasculinities- there are a lot of intersections relating to being a transman and a man of colour. Finding the guide "Freeing Ourselves: A guide to Health and Self Love for Brown Bois" therefore, was also incredibly pleasing!

While this book covers issues about transitioning, it also covers mental health, surviving sexual abuse, parenting, working out, tips for underage transmen, and whole body health advice. It's illustrated, as well.

This might be a good gift for anyone thinking about transmasculinities, whether it be personal exploration and discovery or to give a friend or loved one more information.

Happy Holidays, Good Vibes!

December 17th: Party as Resistance

2011-12-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

This weekend is December 17th, the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers. It's an event that's incredibly close to my heart, and one that I try to participate in every year one way or another. It's terrifying, the way that sex workers are treated, here in the US and across the globe. Moving from the UK to the US really underlined that I *cannot afford* to not be an activist for sex worker rights. I am at risk, actively, as a woman, as a queer, and especially as a sex worker.

This year we've decided to have a jazz funeral instead of a completely somber affair. I am a firm believer in celebrations as a fierce form of fighting back, because it's EXHAUSTING to be debating and protesting all the time. Parties can be self care, they can be a place to have some fun while still acknowledging the issues going on, and god knows how valuable that time is!

Some news around violence and sex workers this week:

-Google is donating $11.5 million to "fight modern day slavery", including funding anti sex work organizations like Not For Sale and the Polaris Project. These anti sex work organizations are notorious for ignoring the voices of sex workers and infantalizing us by telling us what we need rather than asking us, additionally advocating for laws that make our lives LESS safe.

-Shannon Gilbert's body may have been found at last. Her disappearance triggered awareness that a serial killer was working in New York, picking off sex workers- 10 have been confirmed dead so far. Every time her name is mentioned, they call her "prostitute Shannon Gilbert".

-Students are considering sex work more than ever as a way to fund their studies, says the BBC- probably in part thanks to the increase in fees? Notably, the image accompanying the article is of a streetwalker, while I'll guess that most of these students are escorting as independents or with an agency. This tendency to illustrate prostitution with one image- women in skanky clothes on the street- is hugely problematic for a proper discussion of sex work.

-The French Parliament is working to ban clients purchasing the services of sex workers. It's based off the Swedish Model, a model that has not actually lessened demand for sex work, and in fact, it might well make it more dangerous, both for physical safety and STI-related. Yet the Swedish Model is often pointed to as a success.

-Closer to home, there are concerns that Berkeley High School students (girls, natch, no mention of boys) are engaging in underage prostitution. This comes after an article about an East Bay couple who have been charged with trafficking teenage girls into sex work.

I say to my friends a lot "please, seriously, support this, support sex worker rights, support me" and I think they kind of nod and smile and say "of course" without necessarily why it's so important. Any day, I could get arrested for being a sex worker. Any day, those cops could decide to abuse and rape me. My case won't hold up in court, in all likelihood, but I'll be terrorized in the meantime. In some states, I would be forced to register as a sex offender and have that on my ID. In other states, my name and address might be published in the paper, giving me no privacy. As a sex worker, if I was attacked, raped or murdered, my case would not be considered a priority.

I live with that EVERY DAY.

So if you can, please come to this event, or one local to you (London's is on the 15th).

It's important to me, it's important for sex workers, it's important for society, it's important for everyone who cares about human rights.

Join SWOP Bay and the Center for Sex and Culture for a *free* night of celebration as resistance in honor of December 17, the International Day to end Violence Against Sex Workers!

-Indulge in a moment of peace with the Om Shan Tea table.

-Watch performances by and about sex workers- speakers and performers will include Annie Sprinkle, Carol Queen, JDelicious, LadyMonster, and Mariko, with musical breaks by Siouxsie! Additionally, Tony's Circus will be entertaining us with a short skit!

-Dance to live music and the New Orleans style tunes cranked out by skilled DJ DJT.

-Enjoy free drinks and snacks provided by Solace SF- we will also have a free bar available serving speakeasy-style cocktails!

-And of course, remember the sex workers who were killed this year at our Day-of-the-Dead themed altar- you're welcome to create your own memorial to add.

Additionally, we will have three silent auction baskets filled with goodies from local companies such as Cleis Press, Vixen Creations, Femina Potens, Good Vibrations, Rodeoh, and Crashpad! Annie Sprinkle is also donating some goodies, and the money made will go directly back into activism to support sex workers.

There will be an ASL interpreter for the introduction to the event, and the space is mostly accessible for people with disabilities- however, the bathroom is not. If you have special accessibility needs, please contact us so we can accomodate you ♥

Come join us as we honor our dead and fight for the living!

Review: the Eroscillator

2011-12-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

the cockscomb and
the grapes

I've heard stories about how amazing the Eroscillator was through the grapevine, and I always found the colour and design to be striking- but was a little nervous about the price. Would it stand up to the hype?

The answer is- mostly, at least for me. I mean, if you've read this blog, you know I like stimulation that would make most people's clits shrink away in fear. If it's on the Richter scale, I love it.

It looks like some sort of steampunk electric toothbrush, with the bronze colouring and retrofuturistic styling. Most of the attachments are two in one, and they're all made of a flexible but firm silicone covered TPR. Additionally, rather than vibrate, this toy oscillates, offering a strong sensation but a different one from, say, the vibration of a hitachi. It plugs into the wall with 12' of cord to give you a lot of flexibility in positioning. However, I got the Eroscillator Plus, when I think my clitoris would actually prefer the Deluxe, which is 30% more powerful. I'm a girl who likes a powerful vibe.

the ball and cup

The Eroscillator Plus is interesting for me particularly because it came with a few little attachments- 3 actually, and then I got an extra one that looked like a marshmallow. I pretty much enjoy anything that allows me to have a sampler platter- sushi, smorgasbords, orgies, etc. And that's what really worked for me with this- if one attachment wasn't, dare I say, my speed, I could try another til I found one that worked beautifully... for foreplay at least.

And that was the thing for me. This was great for getting me worked up before, say, penetrative sex, but on its own, I don't think it was strong enough to send me over the edge. Rather than the deeply intense orgasms I was hoping for, I just went a little mad with wanting it to be just...a bit...more! If you press harder with this toy, it prevents the oscillation, so you can't really intensify it. As someone who gets hand cramps from pushing the Hitachi on my clit just.that.hard, it wasn't getting me there. I was disappointed, because I was hoping to finally have multiple clitoral orgasms. Normally one is exhausting and I toss the vibe across the room because I get just that sensitive after I cum.

the golden spoon

Let me introduce you to the attachments I got, all of which look very rigid but are actually fairly flexible:

1. Golden Spoon: Concave on one side to cup the clitoris, flat with eight little dots of texture on the other. This one was like of nice to surround my tiny clit.

2. Grapes and Cockscomb: The grapes are big and round texture, while the cockscomb is a longer ridged thing. The grapes didn't do a whole lot for me, but the cockscomb felt nice on my labia and one one side of my clit.

3. Ball and Cup: One side is rounded with three little nubs and the other is slightly concave. This one was a bit too big for my clit, so it didn't stimulate it much.

4. Marshmallow: Otherwise known as the Ultra Soft Finger Tip. The little marshmallow is made of medical silicone elastomer, and it's probably the neatest sensation- soft, squishy, no distracting textures. But sadly, I can't cum from someone's finger, either, so even though I enjoyed the feeling, it just didn't push me over the edge.

the marshmallow

All of the attachments are made of silicone coated TPR, are phtalates and PVC free, and snap on and off very easily. To clean them off afterwards, you can use soap and water, toy cleaner, or wiped down with a ten percent bleach solution. You might want to employ a small soft toothbrush to get any lube out of the little crannies. And of course, water based lubes only!

So I really wanted to like this, and I imagine I will have lovers who will adore the sensation. For me, I'm thinking that maybe the Deluxe would be more up my alley. If you're weaning yourself off a Hitachi, you might want to go for the stronger model. If you're going for a step up over a bullet or a rabbit, though? This would be an excellent step up.

Thank you Eroscillator for sending me one in exchange for an honest review!

Guest Post: The Pink and Blue Divide

2011-12-13T14:44:00.000-08:00

Image from Gawker's article on gendered advertising

Just in time for the holiday season, Jill over at Lady Laid Bare has guest posted for Purrversatility on the issues of gendering and toys! It's something I think a lot about, as someone who was equally brought up with My Little Pony as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I respect parents who try to fight the tide, but damn, it's tough! @genderdiary is another good account to follow on Twitter for some day to day experiences on just that.

From Sociological Images, discussing
boy vs girl toys in kids meals

I identify as a lot of things. Writer, sex blogger, queer/bisexual and foodie are amongst them. But I’m also a woman. And in my life, I’ve come across lots of statements about women, and gender in general, that have pissed me off to no end. But actually standing up to those people who made the statements has proven hard for me.

So when Ms Kitty Stryker asked me (after I quite brazenly asked her) to do a guest post on this site, I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to talk about. I touched on this subject in a recent blog post of mine.
The thing that irks me the most is something that becomes blatantly visible during the holiday season. You can call it “the pink and blue divide”.

Pink is girly, fluffy and princess. So, in the toy catalogues that inevitably hit my doorstep this time of year, girls have their own section of girly, fluffy and princess toys. These include baby dolls, play kitchens and craftsy things (“Make your own bracelets” comes to mind).

Blue, meanwhile, is manly, tough and gritty. Hence the toys in the boys section. Anything goes there. Cars, videogames, action figures… anything fit for the man.

It also seems that this divide is there to remind us how to treat our children. Girls are delicate, need to be handled carefully like the future princesses we want them to be. We don’t let them play with boys, because boys are callous and hard and grrrr. We treat them like that too, because boys need to be toughened up for the big bad world out there.

We fit the toys according to this way of thinking too. It seems that girls are not allowed to play with Tonka trucks and similar things. It might change them, make them into tomboys, and god forbid that happens.
And boys, oh boys are definitely not allowed to play with dolls and dress up as princesses. This is for an even more insane reasoning, because… what if it “makes them gay” and stuff? Because according to them, gay means bad things. Gossip, exclusion from the community and every single horrible thing you can imagine.

Sadly, this is the way we reason.

It hurts me to think that we’re conditioning our children to stick to the norms of their gender so early on in life. Because I thought this whole thing of “girls in the kitchen, boys at work” had been thrown out the window together with the start of feminism.

I can see the difference between growing up now, and back in the nineties when I was just a wee nipper. The crooked stares I got for hanging out with the boys because they loved Pokemon as much as me were killer. As a girl, you weren’t supposed to like Pokemon, except for the pretty ones. The “girl” ones, like Jigglypuff and Chansey. Actually playing the game, whether trading card or Gameboy… no, that wasn’t for girls. Girls were supposed to read teen magazines, and fawn over hunks. Not spend ridiculous amounts of money on a rare Japanese Pokemon card like I once did.

It changed countless times over the years, and I stayed on the cusp of tomboy/girl, balancing both hanging with the lads and drooling over the likes of Orlando Bloom. I’m happy to see change. I hope my nieces and nephews will grow up to be strong adults, who can form their own opinions, aside from what the media makes them think.

Because the media is powerful.

A major example of this takes place on my television every day. I can go on for hours about shows like America’s Next Top Model and how they take the utter piss out of everything women stand for; I’ll leave that for another blog. But every time the idea that women only like shopping and shoes is re-enforced in such shows, I find myself crying obscenities at my television.

Sex and The City is a prime example of this- I hate it when, in a world of truly brilliant sexual educators like Tristan Taormino and Courtney Trouble, the only one singled out for example is the very fictional character of Carrie Bradshaw.

But that’s a story for another day.

Today, the news hit that Hamleys (the famous London toy shop) will end the separation of girls and boys toys, thanks to the campaign of one blogger.

I hope that this is a step in the right direction.

Kitty Stryker vs The World: Round 1- Facebook (Kitty Wins!)

2011-12-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling a little under the weather. Burned out, you might say, on holiday events, balancing a new job with the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, which I'm stage managing. As much as I love doing a lot, and volunteering for things, sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. I was pondering this as I went to log onto my Facebook account so I could do some promo for the upcoming event on Dec 17.

I couldn't log in.

Facebook, apparently, got a report about my profile carrying "sexually suggestive material", and decided I couldn't have it anymore. Suggestive like the Suicide Girls fan page? Or Playboy? No, more along the lines of two clothed men kissing- while a page devoted to saying how rape/violent jokes are awesome and calling people faggots? Totally ok.

Sure, I'm a sex worker rights activist and sex blogger who, granted, posts a lot about sexuality. However, I only post PG appropriate content on FB- I link to my blog, where people can read NSFW material like sex toy reviews, as do many other sex bloggers. I do not post nudity or porn on my profile, though I might write about it. It seems fairly clear that Facebook has double standards about male behaviour and female behaviour when it comes to being "sexually suggestive". Additionally, when reading their TOS, the verbage used is "pornographic, obscene, or explicit". I've asked Facebook to define this for me so that I know where, exactly, that line is, because if I've crossed it, everyone I know is partying on the other side of that line.

Except? I don't think they know where it is themselves.

I decided to investigate further- how about "It's not ok to kill a hooker...even though they are already dead inside", or "Waking up to a dead hooker in your trunk", or "Diff between an onion and a dead hooker? I cried when i cut up the onion"? "Stop the Islamization of America"? The British National Party (a nice word for suited neo-nazis)? Those are apparently acceptable somehow in the TOS, but this here blog? OBSCENE.

I tweeted a while back about getting rape-y messages from men who had their cocks as their profile photos on Facebook. This is something that's been a fairly consistent issue. But that, too, is apparently ok. What's not ok? The social media for some (not all, or even most) adult companies. Sex educators. Breastfeeding.

What do I suspect was the thing that got me banned? A video about the Guinness Book of World Records attempt for the largest number of naked Santas- a video painstakingly edited to not show even a nipple. Well, a woman's nipple, at least, cause men's nipples are, well, DIFFERENT. Amusingly, that event had... yes, you guessed it. A Facebook page. And yet the next day my account is disabled.

There wasn't a warning about any content, by the way. No warning. I just got this:

Your account has been disabled for violating the Facebook Terms. Facebook disables users who:

• Upload content that is sexually suggestive or contains nudity
• Send messages containing sexually explicit language
• Send friend requests or messages to strangers

So no talking dirty, kids. Don't flash your ankles or talk to strangers, particularly if female or trans! Cause that's naughty.

Facebook's been slammed for this sort of thing a lot- recently, there was an accusation that they disabled Lydia Cacho Ribeiro's account because she said FB wasn't doing enough to fight against paedophiles, for example, though they denied it:

Further, the company said, “It’s incorrect to assume that in every case where a person’s account is disabled, or a piece of content is removed, it’s because of the nature of the content itself. There are a few types of content that we don’t allow, such as nudity and pornography, hate speech and threats of real physical violence, but sensitive topics are not against our policies. When we take action on an account or piece of content, it’s nearly always for one of the following two reasons: The content or behavior associated with the account was reported to us by people on Facebook, and we reviewed it and determined that it violated our community standards. [Or] it was flagged by one of our automated systems for preventing spam and other annoying behavior. Examples of behavior that might be flagged include having a high percentage of friend requests ignored or marked as spam, or sending lots of friend requests or messages to members of the opposite sex who are not your friends.”

I've appealed the decision. I'm obviously livid. I am totally burned out thanks to battling this kind of bullshit every day and another dose of it has pushed me over the edge. It just kills me that the week before the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, Facebook demonstrates the time-honoured institutionalized violence of silencing voices. Sexual voices, ones that aren't passive, feminine and objectified, but are active in their agency, voices that holler back, voices that speak up.

There is a group (on FB, natch) specifically against deleting adult entertainers Facebook accounts. Also, feel free to give them a piece of your mind by tweeting them @facebook, or emailing them: abuse@facebook.com. Let them know what you think about the way they handle "community standards".

UPDATE:

My Facebook profile has been reinstated. It was pulled because of an inappropriate photo- this photo, to be exact, not that they told me. I worked it out because they pulled it from the page for this blog.

I want to underline that I see men's cocks on this site every week.

Also, a group called "Honking ugly chicks to give them a boost becasue you're a fucking top guy", just as an example? Lots of sideboob there. But it's to advertise shit, so, you know, that's totally different.

Gotta love the "but my sexual objectification is a public service making women I think are ugly feel better about themselves!" justification.

Glad it got resolved quickly, at least.

Courtney Trouble's Live Sex Show!

2011-12-11T07:10:00.000-08:00

I've enjoyed Courtney Trouble's work for years, from way back in the beginnings of NoFauxxx.com, so when I heard she was looking for people to review her newest video, "Live Sex Show" (keep reading, she's screening it today in SF and it's gonna be a PAR-TAY), I jumped on the chance!

What makes this porn really fun is that it was shot in front of live studio audience at the Center for Sex and Culture's Masturbate-a-thon last year, and it's neat when you get a sense of the crowd there. The first scene, for example, involves a striptease, with people stomping a beat, which I enjoyed. Or after scenes, people clap and cheer, which just made me smile watching it- I think I fell in love with the SF community a little more watching this and thinking "man, this is what life is just LIKE here!"

Also really fabulous- uncircumcised cock (my favourite) sexy bodies of different types (though all fairly alternative, with tattoos, piercings, and/or brightly coloured hair), hairy armpits, spankings, queerness mixed with the straightness (though no boy on boy- maybe next time?), sexy clothes that weren't standard porn clothes- yum! The chemistry between the couples is just so incredibly hot- you can feel the energy between them.

I got really turned on watching one performer getting her clit sucked while being fingerfucked... it rang true that this was sex on camera, rather than superperformative porn sex, which I liked. Nina and Jiz talked to the audience, too, which I loved, that playful sweet interaction between each other and the crowd. Sexy safer sex. Fisting (oh so hot). 5-on-1 queer gangbang goodness. And lots of kissing. Yay for lots of kissing.

But you don't have to trust me, if you're in SF! Go check it out for yourself tonight! And if you're not, get a piece of the action from Courtney Trouble's store. It's well worth it.

Live Sex Show Grand Premiere Screening and Release Party

Sun, December 11, 7:30pm – 10:30pm

Center for Sex and Culture

Buy Your Tickets Now! $8-25.00, sliding scale, full benefit for Center for Sex and Culture

Come join the stars of the film and other Bay Area porn elite to watch Courtney Trouble's LIVE SEX SHOW for the first time ever on the big screen! A benefit for the Center for Sex and Culture.

Starring Nina Hartley, Jiz Lee, April Flores, Tina Horn, Jolene Parton, Kimberlee Cline, and Roger Wood.

In attendance, director Courtney Trouble and stars from the film will be there to watch you watch them, sign autographs, and answer any questions you may have about this sexy film!
Doors at 7:30, Movie starts at 8pm Sharp! Door entry will be cheap sliding scale, and ALL PROCEEDS GO TO THE CENTER FOR SEX AND CULTURE.

Calling all you pervy voyeurs, this porn is for you!! From award winning porn director Courtney Trouble, LIVE SEX SHOW was shot in front of a WILD, HORNY, & WET live audience of 200 people at 2010’s San Francisco’s Masturbate-a-Thon, hosted by Carol Queen.

Starring Nina Hartley and Jiz Lee in a flirty yet FILTHY FINGER FUCKING scene, April Flores and the Matador in a dramatic COCK-SLURPING, PUSSY-POUNDING love story, Tina Horn getting KINKY AND ROUGH, Kimberlee Cline GETTING OFF HARD, Jolene Parton GETTING FUCKED, and Ms. TROUBLE herself in a climactic surprise 5-on-1 ALL STAR GANG BANG!

Pleasurists #159

2011-12-11T03:56:00.001-08:00

16 by SlevinAaron

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow the RSS Feed and Twitter for updates.

Did you miss Pleasurists 158? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists 160? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday December 11th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

RodeoH Giveaway Deadline: December 8th.
Mega Giveaway: Celebrating 200 Reviews (and counting!) Deadline: December 10th.
FixSation Giveaway Deadline: December 11th.
Christmas with Matryoshka! Deadline: December 14th @ 11:59am Eastern.
Babeland Gift Card Giveaway Deadline: December 17th.
RodeoH Giveaway Deadline: December 22nd.
Win a Luxury Sex Toy Every Day with the Lovehoney Advent Calendar! Deadline: Daily winner until December 24th.
Holiday Vibrator Giveaway Deadline: December 25th.

Editor
Scarlet Lotus

On to the reviews:

Vibrators

Dildos

Anal Toys

Crystal Delights Vintage Frosted Plug by Amber from Scarlet’s Letter

Sleeves, Rings, & etc.

Tenga Sleeve 3D Spiral by Bzzingbee

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

BDSM/Fetish

Adult Books/Games

Adult DVDs & Porn

Lingerie

Sweet Streak Corset-Style Bustier Set by Midnight Boudoir

Miscellaneous

The Thin Privilege Checklist

2011-12-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Courtney Trouble, Bitch Please, and tumblr generally, I came across the Thin Privilege Checklist, cited like so:

Thin Privilege Checklist
I can be sure that people aren’t embarrassed to be seen with me because of the size of my body.
If I pick up a magazine or watch T.V. I will see bodies that look like mine that aren’t being lampooned, desexualized, or used to signify laziness, ignorance, or lack of self-control.
When I talk about the size of my body I can be certain that few other people will hope they are never the same size.
I do not have to be afraid that when I talk to my friends or family they will mention the size of my body in a critical manner, or suggest unsolicited diet products and exercise programs.
I will not be accused of being emotionally troubled or in psychological denial because of the size of my body.
I can go home from meetings, classes, and conversations and not feel excluded, fearful, attacked, isolated, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped, or feared because of the size of my body.
I never have to speak for size acceptance as a movement. My thoughts about my body can be my own with no need for political alliance relative to size.
I can be sure that when I go to a class, or movie, or restaurant that I will find a place to sit in which I am relatively comfortable.
I don’t have to worry that if I am talking about feeling of sexual attraction people are repelled or disgusted by the size of my body. People can imagine me in sexual circumstances.
People won’t ask me why I don’t change the size of my body.
My masculinity or femininity will not be challenged because of the size of my body.
I can be sure that if I need medical or legal help my size will not work against me.
I am not identified by the size of my body.
I can walk in public with my significant other and not have people double take or stare.
I can go for months without thinking about or being spoken to about the size of my body.
I am not grouped because of the size of my body.
I will never have to sit quietly and listen while other people talk about the ways in which they avoid being my size.
I don’t have to worry that won’t be hired for a job that I can do because of the size of my body.

When I saw this, I had an immediate "hm". I like the idea of this, but I think that women who are really slender get a lot of shit too- actually, I don’t think, I know.
Ones I contest:

-I do not have to be afraid that when I talk to my friends or family they will mention the size of my body in a critical manner.

-I will not be accused of being emotionally troubled or in psychological denial because of the size of my body.

-I don’t have to worry that if I am talking about feeling of sexual attraction people are repelled or disgusted by the size of my body. People can imagine me in sexual circumstances.

-My masculinity or femininity will not be challenged because of the size of my body.

-I can go for months without thinking about or being spoken to about the size of my body.

I had a girlfriend once who was naturally very slender. People would say that they liked women who were “real women”- ones who had curves, like me, not small-breasted and narrow-hipped, like her. I would hear people say loudly how they couldn’t imagine sex with a skinny girl, they were all bones. People would be very concerned that she didn’t eat enough or not a balanced diet. I watched her feel crushed under the weight of people worrying that she’d never be able to bear a child, watched her self-esteem waver when people scornfully said how slender women were too boyish for them. And the people who spoke with the most vitriol were often women who considered themselves feminists.

Now, to be fair, I looked at the original source, which says (unedited):

Every year on Gay Pride weekend I like to this article based on the work that Peggy Mc Intosh did on white privilege. For a variety of reasons I thought about it today. I'd like to read something like it from my average sized friends. I'm not really the person to write it. But I know that for many of my averaged sized friends the idea of fat as a political identity is new. So I'm just going to write what I wish I could read.
Everyday as an average sized person ...

I'm glad the original recognizes that this is about what's seen as the average or perhaps the ideal body, vs just thin people.

And I realized… this isn’t just a fat vs thin privilege thing, for the most part (though I won’t argue that there’s institutionalized privilege about “healthy” weights vs “unhealthy”).

This is about the way society allows and encourages us to blatantly and unapologetically make catty comments and objectify bodies, usually female-appearing bodies, and often under the guise of “I’m just concerned”.

FUCK THAT.

Versatile Bloggers Award

2011-12-09T01:13:00.000-08:00

So there's this thing that's been quietly passing along from blog to blog, called the Versatile Blogger Award. Being awarded one by the lovely Pandora Blake (whose spanking/politics blog you should check out, btw) suggests that people really like what it is that you do, and there's nothing like the praise of one's peers to brighten up what had been a day full of stress!

But these awards have Rules, don't you know, and these are the rules of this one. I have to share seven things about myself; pass this award along to 15 blogs I enjoy reading; and contact my chosen bloggers to let them know. Easy peasy, right?

Well, first, I guess I should share 7 things about myself...

-I still get freaked out about things under my bed sometimes. I worry about having my toes outside the blankets, too- like something's going to bite me!

-I know how to blacksmith. My dad taught me, and I really enjoyed it, but haven't done it in a while.

-I had my first published piece in a book when I was 12. It was in the book of my grandma's employer, who was a power lesbian and motivational speaker. The piece published was a call to arms for women to stand up for themselves and their agency.

-I have a brown belt with two black stripes in Okinawan style karate. It was the after school activity I was the most committed to- I took up the bo as my weapon of choice.

-I used to troll on cybersex forums, particularly kinky ones, as a 40 year old man in stained sweatpants... when I was about 14.

-I was a part of an MIT student's thesis about how MOOs(MUD, object oriented) could act as social and educational spaces online. If you check it out, I'm Storm. :)

-In spite of it being ridiculous and not true, I have a really hard time not treating my stuffed animals like they have souls. I used to struggle to decide which stuffed animals deserved to sleep on my bed with me, so I let most of them sleep on the bed and I slept on the floor. I still can't give them to goodwill- it seems cruel.

And now, 15 bloggers I recommend you check out:

1. Maggie Mayhem- she's like sexy political porn dynamite. Read her to be stimulated in the brain and in your nethers.

2. Ms. Slide- a London-based proDomme who writes a lot about female dominance, politics, and other interesting bits and pieces, including fun vintage images.

3. Post Modern Sleaze- she writes about nonmonogamy, sex/gender, being dominant and feminism. She often leaves me reflecting about my own relationship to the world.

4. Mollena- as a female dominant who enjoys submissives, Mollena's blog has given me a good look on the other side of the leash. She's often hilarious, right on, and remarkably vulnerable.

5. Rarely Wears Lipstick- feminism, style, and sex interconnect on this blog by BitchBuzz's sex and relationships columnist. Her blogs on vintage lingerie/looks are fabulous.

6. One Hot Crumpet- this is a relatively new blog, but has some interesting insights, reviews, and explorations of kink, sex and nonmonogamy. Worth checking out.

7. Sugarbutch- swoon swoon swoon. This blog gives me a window into the heart and mind of one sexy sexy butch, and the writing often brings tears to my eyes, it's that good.

8. Rachel Rabbit White- I really like the things she discusses in her blog, which end up being good starting places for some of my thoughts- so she's kind of my muse, in a way. Is that creepy?

9. Pervocracy- oh my god, I refer to this blog all the time. It's BRILLIANT. It covers a lot of issues about the intersections of sex, BDSM and feminism. Everything in it is spot on. I could say more, but I'd just be gushing.

10. Jiz Lee- I mean, Jiz is amazing, but their blog is also a really good place to keep up to date on interesting things going on in the adult industry, and Karma Pervs is fantastic.

11. Charlie Glickman- Charlie writes some great stuff on a variety of topics ranging from pegging to the objectification of the male body.

12. Tits and Sass- a sex worker blog that covers different areas of the industry and is both humanizing and politically pointed. Definitely a good one to keep an eye on.

13. The Beautiful Kind- there's so much good information on this site I don't know where to start! Expect sex toy reviews, advice,

14. Unspeakable Axe- I'm new to this blog, but so far I really like it. The blogosphere is pretty female-heavy, and it's nice to hear male voices, particularly submissive ones.

15. Pandora Blake- whose fault it is that I'm writing this post! At first I thought "oh, another female submissive spanking blog", but man, I'm glad I read more. She's one hell of a writer. Also, many sexy photos.

I just have to quote Kendra from The Beautiful Kind, because this made me laugh-

Remember back in the day when I used to blog five times a week and wrote so much about my intense sex life with Beast, aka Matthew, that people actually complained about it? They got sick of all the facefucking and hole invading, can you believe it? And by "they," I mean one guy who bitched about it, and he stopped reading the blog. Problem solved.

(Speaking of, if you ever encounter someone who tries to shit talk what you do, the best course of action is to quickly assume that THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS. Jealousy is resenting someone else's good time. Don't devote energy to haters. Don't let them distract you from your positive mission.)"

At some point I'll have to tell all these people I gave them this award. Most will likely respond with "and who are you?" ;)

Video: The Sex Police

2011-12-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

I did an interview earlier this week on the impact the policing of sex has on sex work and people with disabilities for the excellent London-based group Mutiny. They did an event as a part of their series, "_____ on Trial", which in this case was Sex on Trial, something I was incredibly interested in (of course). Sadly as I'm in Oakland I was unable to go in person, but thanks to technology, I was able to attend as a 6' tall head on a screen. :)

The section I was interviewed for was called "Sex Police", which raised other excellent questions- "What counts as ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ sex? Who decides this? How is it regulated? What happens if one is outside these boundaries?" You can check out other videos and discussions from Sex on Trial here, and I recommend you do so- it's always thought provoking!

I believe quite strongly that the policing of sex happens on multiple levels, and the impact, therefore, can be seen everywhere:

You have a government deciding what is acceptable practice in public and in private, you have schools deciding what is appropriate to teach and what is not appropriate to teach. You have society deciding what sort of sexual practices are acceptable to promote or to encourage or to advertise and which ones are not… and of course we police each other [via] cultural biases.

The full video is below- enjoy!

Review: the BodyWand

2011-12-08T01:05:00.000-08:00

Seattle's Babeland twitter account said a few days back that they had a toy stronger than the famous, loved-the-world-over hitachi.

I scoffed. I said "there's no way." I've heard lots of people claim that toys are stronger that the hitachi, but when it comes down to it, they just don't measure up.

I take it back.

Babeland sent me the BodyWand to try it out, as I needed to feel for myself this miracle toy that beats out my old favourite. And it really does beat the hitachi, at least for me. I was shocked.

Like the hitachi, it plugs into the wall, and has a reasonably long cord making it pretty easy to use in bed. And like the hitachi, it's very, very strong- this is a powerful vibrator for those who like a jackhammer style vibration against their bits. The head of the BodyWand is about the same size as the hitachi, as well, so you can use all the same attachments with this as you have for your wand- I'm excited to try a few out, like the G-Whiz.

But there's two special things about the BodyWand versus the hitachi, that make it unique.

First, it's definitely quieter than the hitachi, which is fabulous. I used to worry that using my vibrator was going to wake the whole house, if not the neighborhood. I mean, it sounds like a power tool! The BodyWand, on the other hand, has a pleasant hum that's a lot more subtle.

Secondly, it has a dial. A dial! Genius. The hitachi has the wand controller, sure, where you can change the low/high setting into a variable one, but the BodyWand has that built in, making it easy to slowly ramp up the power as you go. Perfect! And I certainly felt like the hitachi was just a little less strong than the BodyWand...

I think I'm in love.

Finally, rather than vinyl, like the hitachi, the BodyWand is made of silicone and ABS plastic, making it more durable. I think you might find that your loyalties have switched over too!

Thank you Babeland for giving me a chance to fall in love and lust with the BodyWand- I will never doubt again!

Sex? It's Not Like Pizza.

2011-12-07T22:19:00.000-08:00

You know that phrase "sex is like pizza, even bad pizza is pizza"?

It's not true. Sorry. Or if you think it is, you need to remember that sometimes pizza gives you food poisoning. It can, in fact, be pretty bad.

Bad sex is a real thing that exists- and sometimes it's just a chemistry issue, while other times, it's a lack of training. Personally, I have always found it easy to enjoy sex on a purely physical level without feeling any emotional connection to my partner (unless that's something we're pursuing)- so perhaps I find it easier to step back and say "this sex was good" and "this sex was bad" based on some clear personal guidelines.

There's plenty of suggestions on what TO do (like this one, though I'm frustrated with the "no one wants to be fucked like a prostitute" tone and the "all women are sluts" thing... um, no) but not a lot on what to avoid doing. For me, there's more things that work for me than things that don't, but of course this varies from person to person. I can only really speak for my own experience, such as it is.

So here, let me help y'all out- here's a brief list of things that make guys bad in bed, at least bad in my bed (and yes, you'll sleep on the floor). To make it a little more helpful, I tell you after each bad tip what you should be doing instead to be a better lover. I'm writing this from me to dudes because I've had a lot of bad sex with dudes (and, sadly, mostly ones who weren't clients) and I have a lot of experience with guys asking me how they can be a better sexual partner.

Without further ado- How to be Bad in Bed, Dudes (and how to do it right):

This is just sad.

Give Up On Grooming

And no, I don't just mean the basics. I assume you know to have brushed your teeth, chew some gum, wash your face, ask if your partner has a chemical sensitivity before drowning yourself in cologne. But there's also things you can/should consider- taming your pubic hair, for example. And have some baby wipes around for a quick pre-fucking wipedown- it tastes a little nasty, yes, but it won't leave toilet paper scraps (SQUICK) and it will ensure you look tidy.

Also? Wear sexy underwear, guys. Not novelty underwear (though some comic book ones are pretty sweet, whatever critics say) and not necessarily stripper ones (though I like 'em) but something that's classy. Nice underwear will also make your ass and cock look awesome, so it's in your best interest.

Make Assumptions

I know you've read a lot and watched a lot of porn. That's great. But don't assume that because so-and-so raves about cunnilingus that it's going to make me orgasm, or that because this porn shows a woman really loving her head being grabbed during oral sex that I'm all for that. Ask me. And ask everyone else you ever have sex with. You can move slowly, and start gently, and growl in someone's ear "you like what I'm doing to you?"- and pay attention. If there's a hesitation, or a no, then you should move along to something else. No big deal- but being able to read body language and subtlety can make or break an encounter.

In addition, don't make assumptions about what I won't like- this article in the Frisky, entitled "4 Sex Acts Guys Think They’d Enjoy (But Won’t)" is full of bullshit. They list threesomes (FFM, of course, ignoring other possibilities), sex in public, tittyfucking (mysteriously called "sex with boobs"), and anal sex as things guys (and, often, their partners) won't actually enjoy. The boy and I are proof positive that those things are really dumb assumptions.

This is not the way to tell
your lover about your
bondage kink.

Rush Your Kink

This is a major one. I can't count the number of lovers I've had who are so happy to meet a girl who is GGG (good, giving and game) that they hurtle out of the closet with all of their kit and demand/beg to do the most extreme fantasy in their head relating to that kink. That will overwhelm anyone, including me. Yes, I'm a sex worker. Yes, it's unlikely I will recoil and go "oh no fucking way" simply because of your fetish for, say, roleplayed cannibalism. But if I come home one day and out of nowhere you're trussed up like a Christmas ham, covered in pineapple, with a set table, and your first sentence to me is "I have this really weird kink and I know you're probably not into it but I hope you are but if you're not that's ok I just really want you to eat me", I'm probably going to need to go outside for a cigarette and to sort my head out. Because that's a really intense way to introduce someone to your fantasies.

Go slowly, start small (say, a little bit of biting during sex maybe) and work your way up. Make it sexy for me, too- try to blend your interests with mine. And for god's sake make an effort to satisfy my kinks too- if you want me to be eager about your fetishes, mirror that with mine!

Forget Foreplay

Foreplay is one of those things that I swear people are told all the time is important and yet all the time it's rushed through or pushed aside for the "main event", which tends to mean Penis-In-Vagina sex. And sometimes, quickies are hot. But foreplay is often really important for enjoyable sex; not just because it feels nice to take your time, but also because it gives my body time to warm up, my pussy to get wet, my clit to begin to swell. Without that foreplay step, I have often ended up faking an orgasm, because while sure, lube can be used to make me wet, I'm not aroused enough yet to really enjoy myself, and I end up in my head worrying that it's taking me too long to get turned on. I'm like an old car- I need time to warm up.

I have a small clitoris, so it might be hard to see it get erect- but being patient and working me up til I beg you to make me orgasm with your fingers, toy or cock will result in a fabulous orgasm, not least because if I don't feel rushed I can relax and be really present in my body.

Have Sex At Me Instead of With Me

Yes, I'm aware that when it comes to the functionality of penetrating my orifices with your appendages, you are probably able to manage it. Good for you! Unfortunately, that isn't really fulfilling for me. I like to feel engaged with- look me in the eyes, talk dirty or talk sweet, nuzzle my neck, kiss me, lick my nipples and stroke my skin. And I'll do the same back, running my hands over you while you fuck me. Isn't it much nicer when we're interacting, not just going through the motions without any connection? Even when I do sex work, I don't want to feel like a mannequin (well, ok, unless we're roleplaying that)- I'm a person, and we're doing something intimate, so please act like that and not like my vagina is a glory hole?

Focus Too Much On My Orgasm

I'm really really glad that you want me to have an orgasm. I want to have an orgasm too, so we agree there. However, pressuring me to have an orgasm every time we have sex is asking for something that is pretty likely impossible. So many factors go into me having an orgasm- being able to let go and just enjoy pleasure without stress, for example, having the right stimulation for the right amount of time, being aroused enough to begin with. If I feel worried that you'll be disappointed with my lack of orgasm, I may not have one at all, simply because I'll be trying too hard.

However, it's additionally important for me to say that if you have an orgasm most of the time we have sex and I don't, it's very likely that I need more time for what we're doing. Don't blow off my orgasms either, or I'll feel really frustrated and broken. Make orgasm just another step on the sensual road, rather than the goal.

Focus Too Much On Your Penis

There are a lot of sexual acts we can engage in that don't involve your cock. I also like involving your cock, mind, but there's a world of things beyond it. The idea that your penis is necessary for sex has negative consequences for everyone- if you stress out about it, you can end up suffering from erectile dysfunction, for example. If your partner has a latex allergy (or you do) and you can't get access to nonlatex condoms, you'll consider yourself shit outta luck.

But it really doesn't have to be that way. You have a tongue, fingers, lips, skin, teeth, toys, frottage.. there's so many other things you can do that focusing on your cock is shortsighted if nothing else! Which brings me to my last point...

Think Your Ejaculation = End Of Sex

It's another one of those things to talk about, and not to assume. Usually, if you've made me really happy or even orgasm before you orgasm, I'm happy to snuggle. But if I haven't had an orgasm, but I'm close, and you ejaculate and then roll over, I may feel... well, left out. Maybe I'm not done yet. It doesn't mean you have to fuck me again, but having a couple of toys around to finish me off, if I want you to, is a good move. I really like it when you kiss me or bite my neck while I use a vibrator, or hearing you read me some erotica. As I said to one lover, many years ago, "there's so much more to sex than sex!"

I hope you find this helpful, and that it helps you become a better lover by giving you a place to start discussing your likes and dislikes, what gets you hot and what leaves you cold. Bad sex is out there and it happens to everyone- it makes for some hilarious stories! But bad sex is better when it's the exception... not the rule.

Gift Guide 5: Santa Baby

2011-12-06T23:32:00.000-08:00

I love to create these gift guides to help people find the perfect present. I've considered becoming a personal shopper, because I love love LOVE to find things that're super unique and adorable. So I'm going to do what I did last year and post some places to start- you can also check out last year's, which were themed Hard to Shop For People, Holiday Harlots, Wanderlust, and Holiday Hampers.

So first, let's start with sexy holiday themed presents- a specialty area, for sure, but fun!

For the Bookworm: "Naughty or Nice" or "Merry XXXmas"

Always fun to slip into a stocking is a collection of sexy erotica, and these two books are fantastically filthy. Both anthologies are edited by Alison Tyler, who has pulled together a variety that will probably surprise the reader with how hot (and sometimes, how totally out there) erotic stories with a holiday theme can be!

Dirty Santas are to be expected, of course, but I was excited by erotic retellings of "The Gift of the Magi" and "A Christmas Carol". It's an ideal present for anyone who can't wait for Christmas music, loves holiday cookies and cakes and who fantasizes about fairy light bondage. Available from Cleis Press.

For the Glamorous Pervert: the Kiss Red Swirl Plug

I was sent this for review and I love love LOVE the look of it- just like a peppermint candy, but twice as sweet! This butt plug is small enough to be nice for a beginner, but significant enough to be a fun addition for anyone who likes anal play. And it comes wrapped in a pretty padded bag to keep it safe among your other toys.

With a beautiful gemstone in one end, the person who receives this gift will sparkle- and any holiday party would be made much more manageable if one of you is wearing this! Available from Crystal Delights.

For Rosy Cheeks: the Snowman Paddle

I have a soft spot for this paddle. Two, in fact. I think this is just the cutest paddle ever! It's made by Spank-Her, a group that makes all sorts of fun novelty paddles and crops. They're good quality, and offer one hell of a smack for some rosy cheeks that'll rival Santa's!

From the little ballgag in the snowman's mouth to his holly-accented top hat, this is the ideal gift for any little girl or boy who loves playing in the snow... and who needs a spot of discipline now and again. Available from Our Fantasy Store.

For Tasty Teases: the Holiday Cheer Edition of Edible Massage Oils

These three bottles hold something better than gold, myrrh, and frankincense- they have holiday-themed massage oils that smell as lovely as they taste. With the flavours of sugar cookies, hot apple cider and candy canes, what other holiday treat does one need than the skin of their lover... or lovers?

Made with sweet almond oil as a base, these won't stain and will stay slippery for the perfect massage next to the fireplace. These are also available individually if you're attached to one in particular, and also in bar form if you prefer that! Available from Good Vibrations.

For Peppermint Peggers: the Betty Harness

When I saw this in the store, I squealed with glee- finally a cute femme harness in fabric that looked just like girly panties in the front while framing the ass beautifully in the back! With a velcro closure system instead of o-rings, this is smooth against the fuckee, which is fantastic- and of course it's vegan and machine washable.

They fit up to 48" hips (though I'm asking if they make custom sizes...) and are ideal for the girl who enjoys strapping on her own candy cane for someone to lick. Available at Good Vibrations.

For Wrapping Your Presents: the Boa Ties

Finally, what gift guide for hedonists would be complete without a sensual way to wrap your own present? These ties have become a surprising favourite for bondage play in my arsenal, as they're so small, beautifully soft and super adjustable. Not only are they fabulous for simple light bondage to the bedframe, but you can use these are lush over the door cuffs- each one is weighed down with, I kid you not, freshwater pearls. Fancy!

These are the perfect present for the Dom/me who appreciates a bit of luxury in their kit, or for the submissive who is a gift to their Dom/me. Available from Babeland.